heart of anger (book quote 2)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on scolding...  This brought much conviction because I struggle with this so much.

In his book, Hints on Child Training, first published in 1891, H. Clay Trumbull... explains...  "To 'scold' is to assail or revile with boisterous speech.  The word itself seems to have a primary meaning akin to that of barking or howling.

Scolding is always an expression of a bad spirit and of a loss of temper... the essence of the scolding is in the multiplication of hot words in expression of strong feelings that, while eminently natural, ought to be held in better control.

If a child has done wrong, a child needs talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words.  If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent's first duty is to gain entire self-control.  Until that control is secured, there is no use of the parent's trying to attempt any measure of child training.  The loss of self-control is for the time being an utter loss of power for the control of others.

In giving commands or in giving censure to a child, the fewer and the more calmly spoken words the better.  A child soon learns that scolding means less than quiet talking; and he even comes to find a certain satisfaction in waiting silently until the scolder has blown off the surplus feeling which vents itself in this way.  There are times, indeed, when words may be multiplied to advantage in explaining to a child the nature and consequences of his offense, and the reasons why he should do differently in the future; but such words should always be spoken in gentleness, and in self-controlled earnestness.  Scolding - rapidly spoken censure and protest, in the exhibit of strong feeling - is never in order as a means of training and directing a child" (p. 33-34, emphases mine).