spurgeon...

I received much encouragement through this passage as Bill is walking through some significant (the worst he's had) health problems in this season.  Would love your prayers for healing for Bill's stomach issues, peace through his battles with anxiety, and faith and joy to walk through God's will for us as a couple and family.

the hollow of His hand... Isaiah 40:12

Beloved, remember everything that happens to you comes in the course of divine providence.  Your loving heavenly Father has foreseen, foreknown, and, I venture, foreordained it all.  The medicine that you have to drink is bitter, but the unerring Physician has measured the ingredients drop by drop and mixed them in a way that will best work for your highest good.

Nothing in this world happens by chance.  Our great God has "measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, measured heaven with a span and calculated the dust of the earth in a measure" (Isa. 40:12).  Our great God makes the clouds His chariot and He walks on the wings of the wind (Ps. 104:3).  This same God cares for you with such special care that He has numbered the very hairs of your head (Matt. 10:30).  He even puts your tears in His bottle (Ps. 56:8).  You may rest assured that even those experiences that are causing much sorrow are in accord with His eternal counsel and decree... [for His glory and for your good.]

The rest of the chapter goes on about the greatness of God and the puny-ness of mankind... and closes with these verses (25-31):

  To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
  Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
  Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
  He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
  Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
  but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Our heart (though my flesh resists it) is to rest in the power and might of the Almighty One.  We know there is eternal purpose in what we are walking through and pray that it will only strengthen us in this season to walk steadfastly and not waver in our faith for what God has deemed His good for us.  That is, joyful submission for what He has for us.  =)

stomach bug...

It looks like the boys finally caught a stomach bug of some kind.  William threw up a few times in the middle of the night and was dry-heaving for most of the morning.  Fortunately, he hasn't thrown-up again since before lunch, so he seems better.  And my little Josiah threw-up around dinnertime.  We're hoping it's a one-time episode and that we don't have to be up tonight with a sick baby and cleaning up puke all night.

Bill says we've been fortunate that the boys have gone this long without having a stomach virus before.  I gotta tell ya... I can not do vomit.  It really makes me wanna hurl myself when I see, smell, or touch it.  I know it has been a huge blessing that I have not really had to experience this before, but I can not imagine staying up with a sick child in the middle of the night who keeps throwing-up.  That's horrible!!  Would love your prayers for healing for my little monkeys and perseverance if we do end up having a difficult night.

moving day!

I had big plans to fully document this day, but totally forgot in the midst of all the chaos to take pictures until half the day was over.  When I finally remembered, the house was in such disarray that I had no idea where the camera was.  So unfortunately, there are no pics, but God was kind in providing the help we needed to move the majority of our things over.  We had professional movers come move the big things (i.e. couches, beds, dressers, etc.).  They were unbelievable.  I think they had our living room packed and moved out in 15 minutes.  Definitely worth every penny, although they did break a couple of things and dented some of the furniture.  Fortunately, we don't really have anything of value, so it wasn't a big deal (except for my hand-painted vase that I lugged home all the way from China more than 10 years ago.  I was sure to pack and take that bad boy over myself.).  =)

Then we had some friends come who were SO gracious to pack for us and move the rest of our things to the new place.  We definitely wanted to give a HUGE thank you to the people who sacrificed some time to help us move/pack:  Tim Keen, Dave Durose, Mike Thompson, Danielle Wood, Lee Cajina, Peter Woo, Mom, Mommy, Jamil Ergueta, and Jane Alam... as well as their spouses for releasing them to come.   We were very touched by your desire to serve our family in such a practical way.  And we were very humbled by your willingness to not only move us out, but to also help pack.

We also wanted to thank those of you who have been praying for our family.  We are grateful that you have been a part of our journey and are rejoicing with us over God's provision for us in the midst of financial difficulties.  God has been SO good, and we know that each of you have been a means of His grace as we transition to a new home in this season.

So THANK YOU!!  We are so indebted to you (friends & family) for your help, care, love, and especially prayers for our family.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Psalm 34:8

allergy update...

I took William to the allergist for a follow-up appt regarding his outdoor allergies and to have him re-tested for his milk allergy.  He has not had any allergic reactions to anything since his eye swelling in April (from some unknown outdoor allergen).  I told the doc that he's been taking the oral medication (which is a general antihistamine since William tested negative for the common outdoor allergens), but we haven't been doing the nasal spray since he loathes it.  William is always congested and the doc noticed that he's a mouth-breather.  He said the nasal spray would most likely help him breathe better, so we should try the nasal spray again.  It's not as effective if William doesn't inhale during the spray, but doc said some is better than nothing.  So it looks like we'll be trying the nasal spray again.

William was also tested for dairy and came out positive still.  Doc said that William is at the age where he may begin to outgrow the dairy allergy and asked if we'd be interested in challenging his dairy tolerance if the numbers in his bloodwork came back low enough.  We said we definitely were interested, so we're going to have to take William to get his blood drawn... something we definitely are not looking forward to.  He's still scared of band-aids and is very untrusting when I clip his toenails.  Can't imagine how berserk he's going to go when he actually sees a needle stuck in him to take his blood out.  William is definitely our fearful and hesitant little boy.  Would love your prayers for peace, trust, and opportunities for Bill and I to remind him of God's strength and presence with him.

it's official...

We finally filed for bankruptcy and decided to surrender our townhouse.  =(  After a lot of prayer and counsel, we had much confirmation that it was time, considering all the business debt we owe and things just coming to a head at Brainbox.  While this decision has been a long time coming, I think knowing that it's now official will take some time to set in.  Amazingly though, we have much peace about the decision and are eager to move ahead after an especially grueling year and a half of work for Bill.  The past year and a half has also taken its toll on Bill's health.  So for that important reason, as well as many others, we felt the Lord leading us to this decision.

We are indebted to the many people who have prayed for us, taken the time to listen and provide godly counsel, helped us financially, and cared for our family.  The Lord's provision for us has clearly been made evident through your support and love for us.

Most importantly, we are incredibly grateful to the Lord for answering our prayers, providing clarity on making this decision, and for His grace that has carried us thus far.  There is definitely temptation to feel daunted and overwhelmed by our situation, especially over the next several months (i.e. packing up and having to move out, having to find a place to rent, experiencing the repercussions of having bad credit due to the bankruptcy, etc.), but we have been reminded of God's mercy and goodness to us... that He already knows our future and is not overwhelmed by our circumstances.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  =)  He is intimately involved in everything that is going on and is in control over all that is happening.  We know that there is purpose behind everything we walk through and that there is much divine grace available to walk through what God has called us to because He delights in us.  (How humbling and wonderful to know that God delights in us!)

Here is a passage that has been especially encouraging to Bill:

If the Lord had not been my help,

my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

When I thought, “My foot slips,”

your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.

When the cares of my heart are many,

your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 94:17-19

And for me, I have been finding comfort in Spurgeon:

“He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him;

let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”

Psalm 22:8

Faith teaches us to look for the end of every trial and to know that this trial works together for good if we love God, if we are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28).  Faith teaches us to depend on God's power during trials.  Thus, we no longer stumble but rise above our afflictions.

Believer, if you are anxious, careworn, and worried, it cannot do you any good.  It reflects no honor on your great Father.  Pray for faith to transfer your back-breaking load to the great Burden bearer...  If you are content with the divine will, it is better than increased riches, because wealth does not bring peace, and prosperity gives no joy in the Lord.  

Whatever burden faith finds, it casts it on God in prayer...

Believers, go to God with the matters of each day.  Look for morning dew to fall and for God to be your constant shield.  At night before you rest, empty the day's gathered troubles and fall into a happy sleep.  Thus, we sweetly live, trusting our Lord with everything and finding Him always near.

In all this, our Savior's example leads us, and His love within our hearts draws us.  "He trusted in the Lord, let Him rescue him; let Him deliver him, since He delights in him" (Ps. 22:8).

We are in many ways, excited for the opportunities to really live by faith as we see what the Lord has in store for us.  Would LOVE your prayers for increased faith for the days ahead... that there would be much continued peace and joy to pack when we find out when we need to move out and that the Lord would graciously provide a place for us to rent (ideally closer to Bill's other job in Columbia).  (The timeline can be anywhere between 4 -12 months.)  Can't thank you enough for your prayers and care!!  They have truly helped carry us through this difficult season.

sick again!

Yes, we are sick again! Every single one of us... We all had just gotten over the longest cold when William came back from church sick again. Usually, he can last at least a few weeks without getting sick again, but I guess there are some super-colds going around this year, especially since I only get sick about once or twice a year. I've already hit my quota! (I know, it's old age... I can feel it in my bones.) Anyway, would appreciate your prayers for healing and forbearance to deal with fussy/whiney kids who don't feel so good, including me! =P

still sick...

Yes... it has been a long haul with sickness in our family. I'm pretty much back to normal except for a slight runny nose, but Bill has gotten worse and the boys are still fighting congestion, runny noses, and coughs. The boys have been sick for about a week now. William is pretty much himself, for the most part... maybe a bit more whiny than usual, but poor Josiah has a nasty, phlegm-y cough and his nose is constantly running. And poor Bill has been sick for a couple of weeks now. He is going to call the doc if he's not feeling better after this weekend since it feels like it's starting to go to his lungs. Please continue to pray for healing and restoration for our family... and patience for me as I care for sick peeps... not my forte. But I am holding on to that promise from Deuteronomy 33:25... "... as your days, so shall your strength be." Love that verse!

sick...

Well, the entire Davidson clan is sick. Yes, every single one of us, thanks to Bill. ;) Bill was sick earlier last week, and he has no idea where he got it from. Then I got sick. Then William got sick and we had to cancel care group b/c it is obviously contagious and we still have germs floating around our house. Then it finally hit poor Josiah yesterday. William was supposed to have his b-day party, but we postponed it til next weekend since we're all sick and we didn't want to get anyone else sick.

William seems to be almost over it, but Bill and I are still fighting it b/c we don't get an opportunity to rest during the day. And the last couple nights have been tough b/c one or both boys have been up having a hard time breathing being so congested. We all seem to have a head cold, but Bill seems to have different symptoms from the rest of us. So the boys are highly congested and having a hard time breathing through their noses, which are running like a hose. Since Josiah got sick last, he's the worst off of the 4 of us. This is his first real sickness, and he's having an especially hard time adapting. =( We've had to bounce him to sleep the last couple of nights since he needs the paci to fall asleep, but has a hard time breathing through his nose. He also wakes up frequently at night fussing, but has been able to go back to sleep on his own. We removed his band since he's been crying a lot. We didn't want him to get overheated with it on, which can cause a heat rash. Poor baby looks absolutely miserable. I think he's wondering what's going on with himself.

The positive side is that we are so grateful we don't have the flu. It just feels like we've been sick forever b/c of how slowly it's been traveling through our family. We would appreciate any prayers you could offer for healing and restoration. Thanks!

day 3 in the band...

Josiah did his first 23 hours in the band and did well. Outside of his 1 free hour with the band off, we also get to remove it when we have to do his stretches. So that's for 15 minutes every 4 hours, about 4 times a day. If his skin is especially red, I'll leave it off for longer until it starts to subside.

So I use part of the free hour in the morning to give his head a break after sleeping in the band all night. Then he gets it off for 15 every 4 hours. And then in the evening, he gets it off for 45 minutes for a bath. We have to bathe him every day b/c it's important to keep his head clean since he sweats in the band a lot. We just have him in his diaper and sleeper/sleep sac (for his naps). Normally, he would have a onesie on, but we were told it was important to keep him cool since he can overheat easily with the band on. I always worry that he's getting cold, but he's always been warm so far.

Anyway, Smiles did great last night, although he did wake up a few times in the middle of the night. Fortunately, he just fussed a little and went back to sleep. He woke up with a lot of redness on his forehead, so I left his band off for a while until it started to go away. Other than that, he did well with having it on for the majority of the day.

Unfortunately, he has some other issues going on... he has a nasty diaper rash, and I found out the hard way that putting Desitin on really hurts him. So I haven't been using anything and have just been trying to let him air out as much as possible... but then he pees all the time. (I quickly learned to just try and keep him on a towel when he's airing out.) =) Part of the problem is that he's pooping all the time now... and I'm not sure why. It's just little flyby poops, so his bottom is raw b/c sometimes I don't know he's pooped b/c there's so little of it, but it sits there for a while b/c I don't have the best nose. He may be a bit constipated from all the vegetable solid foods he's been eating.

Josiah also has this weird rash on his torso, and we have no idea what's causing it. We've been putting hydrocortisone on it, but will call the doc if it gets any worse. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it though.

He's also been majorly resisting his stretches. We literally have a little wrestling match so I can stretch his neck the way I'm supposed to. It's so sad b/c he looks really angry with me afterwards. I really wish I didn't have to do them... He shakes his head back and forth vigorously to try to prevent me from doing the stretches. Then he'll wriggle and squirm in any position imaginable to try and get out of the stretch. I feel so bad having to pin him down most times now. But I keep reminding myself that I'm doing the stretches now for him so that one day, he won't need to have them done. Don't know if that makes any sense...

Please pray that the Lord would continue to sustain me through all that is going on with Josiah. They're all little things, but they are weighing on me, especially how little time I have with William. But I know that God's grace is available to William during this special season we're walking through with Josiah. I have to trust that the Lord is with me during my days. He has not given me more than I can bear and will be faithful to strengthen me in my weakness.

day 2 in the band...

Well, I had a rough night last night, but not b/c of Josiah. Our dear William woke up crying and screaming... moreso than usual. And can I just add... now that he can communicate and talk, it makes the crying and screaming 10 times worse. Before, I didn't mind the crying as much, but when he puts words to it and is also crying/screaming, it is really difficult to turn away. Not that we ignore William when he's crying at night, but we've found that usually, the more we go in, the more it wakes him up and keeps him up b/c he wants to interact with us, not just get comforted. Normally, he will go back to sleep on his own within 15 mintues.

Anyway, when Bill went to check on him, he said his mouth hurt. His dentist had said his molars were coming in (and he had had a fever that came and went earlier this week, which is not how his usual colds go), so we figured that was the culprit. We gave William some Tylenol, and he asked me to stay with him. I agreed to stay since it was Josiah's first night sleeping in the band. We didn't want William's banshee screams to wake Josiah. William doesn't usually ask me to stay anyway, so I was happy to do it to offer him some kind of comfort. I figured that I'd be able to sneak out later, but boy, was I wrong. William was up over the next few hours constantly moving around trying to get comfortable, wanting to hold my hand, trying to talk, etc. I was on the floor and he was in his crib, so I held his hand as long as I could, but my arm just started to weigh like a ton. And I knew he wouldn't be able to get to sleep without lots of moving around to get himself comfortable. Holding my hand kept him stationary, so I knew I was keeping him up. So I told him I couldn't hold his hand anymore b/c my arm was getting tired, but that I was still there with him. I tried to catch some sleep and just let him move around until he was comfortable. So when he finally fell asleep, I think it was around 1 am. I waited/slept until 2 am to sneak out. As I was getting up, some joint in my body made this loud crack and woke him up. He started freaking out when he saw me trying to leave, so I told him I would stay longer. From that point on, I tried to leave every hour, but he seemed to have a sixth sense and would always wake up and get upset. So finally, when it was 5 am, I decided to just stay until it was time to get up for the day since I really didn't want William's cries to wake Josiah up early in the morning. (It's harder for him to get back to sleep when it's early in the morning.) (Sorry again for all the detail... once again, it's more for my memory than anything else.)

To our utter amazement, Josiah slept through the whole night without a peep, except for when he was woken up by William's crying (but went back to sleep on his own) and woke up a couple of times in the early morning. Thankfully, it wasn't b/c of William... and he was able to go back to sleep on his own until I went to get him at 7:30. I was so exhausted today, but so grateful for God's grace and kindness in letting Josiah adjust so quickly to sleeping in the band.

His naps during the day went much the same way. Actually, he has never slept as long for each of his naps as he did today. For his morning nap, he slept 2 hours with one waking, but went back to sleep on his own. For his early afternoon nap, he slept almost 3 hrs (2 hrs and 50 mins)!!! In that single nap, he's slept more than he has all day when he catnapped. I kept wondering if he was ok and went to check on him once. He slept so much that he missed a bottle feeding and didn't need his last evening nap. I guess he was catching up on lost sleep.

Oh, and btw, we did check William's mouth today and found he has his 2 lower molars coming in. Poor thing...

And tonight, our Smiles went down for bedtime without a peep again. He woke up once with William crying and screaming again, but that's another story. =)

I just think back on Ephesians 3:20-21, continually thanking God for answering our prayers far more abundantly than we asked or thought. These last few days have really been a source of encouragement for me as we begin this season with Josiah's band... God's kindness in helping me to see such grace that is available for me, for Josiah, for our family. Thank You, Lord... for Your mercies truly are new every morning!

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesusthroughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

~ Ephesians 3:20-21 ~

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

~ Lamentations 3:22-24 ~

first day in the band…

Josiah’s fitting at Cranial Tech was a painless process. They had to shave off certain parts of the band that were too low. But other than that, they explained how to clean the band and take it on/off. And after that, we were pretty much free to go. Here are a few pics of our time there…

This is when Josiah first tried on the band. You can see how the front part is sitting low into his eyes. That was one of the parts the clinician shaved off. My Smiles… You can see how excited William is to take a picture… Josiah, on the other hand, is having the time of his life! Josiah has a thing for William’s head. He likes touching it whenever he gets a chance.

Josiah managed to sleep in the car on the way home from Cranial Tech. In the afternoon, he was pretty much his normal, playful, smiley self... not really noticing the band was on at all. But as the afternoon progressed, he became more and more tired (since he missed both his naps earlier in the day). That was when he seemed to be really aware that the band was on and would get more fussy than normal. He always rubs his eyes and picks at his ears when he's tired and the band was in the way, so it seemed to bother him. When we put him down for his late afternoon nap, he just cried and cried. He would sleep in our arms, but when we tried to put him down, he would wake up and cry. Eventually, he wouldn't go to sleep at all on his own. =( So after his last feeding tonight, we put him down as we always do, and he went to sleep without a peep. AMAZING!!! We are incredibly grateful for the Lord's grace in this and allowing our Smiles to get some rest that he needs. Bill and I are preparing for a rough night if that's what He calls us to, but Josiah has been sleeping beautifully so far... =)
We are supposed to take the band off every 3-4 hours for 2 days. (Tomorrow will be the 2nd day.) This is to help him adjust to the band. And if we see any pink/red marks, then we leave the band off until his skin subsides back to its normal color. We need to call the clinic if there's any redness that lasts more than an hour. But if everything is ok, then we will start him on the band for 23 hrs/day on Friday. (Fun times...)
We would so appreciate your prayers that Josiah would continue to adjust well to the band, especially when it comes to sleeping. That's the only time it really seems to affect him. And also that there wouldn't be any adverse side effects (i.e. rash, sores, etc.). Please also pray for our hearts that we would be able to adequately care for him as he transitions during this season and that I (since I'm with him most during the day) would keep myself aware of any temptations to anger/frustration/irritation with the added responsibilities of the band. It's actually really low-maintenance, but things are quickly adding up during the day with Josiah's stretches and other things we have to do with him. Please pray that I would remember to turn to the Lord for His help during those times, especially when I'm tempted to just complain.
Here are some more pics of Smiles when we got home this afternoon…

An aerial view… A side view… (kinda) The space helmet… The back view… And his first tooth… (Sorry, I know this is a bit out of place, but we were finally able to get a picture of it.) And here’s the close-up… It’s still hard to see, but it’s there!

the band

We took Josiah to Cranial Tech to get measured for his band. =( We had to get him down to his diapers and then they put hose (like a sock hose) over his head to flatten his hair so they could get pictures of the shape of his head. (He looked

like a little bank robber.) They sat him down in the center of a semi-circle of 12 cameras. He had to look straight ahead and sit still for the cameras to take pictures of his head, which would then be composited together to form a 3-D image. Josiah did pretty well, except for wanting to stand when he was supposed to sit. They actually had to take 2 sets of pictures b/c they were trying to get him out of his left tilt (you can see his tilt in the pic above), which was hard to do since he doesn't like sitting very much. They actually had to get 4 personnel in there to hold him down in a sitting position and try to get his attention to take the pictures. I think that only aggravated the situation for him b/c he just started crying and arching his back, especially since they were all strangers. I was there, too, but he was already freaked out. But they were able to get what they needed. So we go back in 2 weeks to have him fitted for the band, to learn how to take it on/off, and how to clean it.

It makes me a little sad that it's come to this... I always have a hard time when my babies have to deal with something out of the ordinary. But I am incredibly grateful that there is nothing wrong with Josiah's health... this is mainly a cosmetic issue for him, and if it doesn't work, then at least we can say that we tried. I am also TREMENDOUSLY grateful for Mom, who is making this possible for Josiah. We are only in a position where we can try b/c of her extraordinary generosity, kindness, and love for us and our boys. From the beginning, she did not want our decision to be based on whether we could afford the band or not. If we decided it was something we wanted to pursue to help correct Josiah's head, Mom was on board and supportive from the beginning. (Can't tell you how much I thank God for you, Mom! Our boys are so incredibly blessed to have a Mema that loves them more than they will ever know.)

And most importantly, I am grateful to our Savior who has been so faithful to preserve and protect our Smiles and to provide for us once again. I know that truth is that there is nothing "ordinary" about life. There is no "normal" life. "Normal" is usually just a path for convenience, comfort, self-absorption, and ease. Oh, how I frequently believe that lie and long for a "normal" life (or even someone else's life)! But the Lord calls us to so much more than an ordinary or normal life. He calls us to a life of faithfulness through what He has sovereignly planned to use to grow us more into Chrsitlikeness. He wants more for us than we would ever want for ourselves. And as I take time to dwell on how He has not treated me as my sins deserve, I am truly in awe and wonder at His mercies to us (Many families are unable to afford the band since insurance rarely covers it. They are left to fundraise, find other means, or just forego the band. Our insurance has denied our request for coverage, so we will appeal.), His everlasting love for us, and His faithfulness to His promises... to provide for more than we ask. And though it's hard and may be a tough transition with the band, I know the Lord will use the next few months to grow our family for our good.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

~ Lamentations 3:22-24 ~

I have loved you with an everlasting love;

therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

~ Jeremiah 31:3 ~

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

~ Ephesians 3:20-21 ~

Our uncooperative little bank robber... Josiah was arching his back b/c he didn't want to sit.


In the waiting room...

I know this pic is extremely blurry, but this is the composite they got of Josiah's head.

Please keep us in your prayers! Especially that our Smiles would adjust well to being in the band and that there would be no adverse side effects.

second opinion #1

We went to Children's Hospital in DC to see a neurosurgeon for a second opinion on the severity of Josiah's plagiocephaly and whether he would recommend a helmet. The PA we spoke to before the doc came in did not seem like a strong advocate for the helmet. Her primary reason being that there are no scientific studies done to prove that they are more effective more than just aggressive repositioning. When the doc came in, we filled him in on Josiah's history and he took some measurements of his head. He said that Josiah's head is wider than it is long, and it should be the opposite. His right ear is also more forward and higher than the left ear. Fortunately, he was able to rule out craniosynostosis (a possible effect of plagiocephaly) and said that these issues were all pretty much cosmetic, although there's always a small chance that Josiah could potentially have other issues in the future if left untreated. (i.e. vision problems, jaw issues, etc. These are not likely though.) But it would definitely not affect his brain development.

Josiah would, in all likelihood, just have a flat head that wouldn't be as noticeable once his hair starts to grow in. But the doc's conclusion, without hesitation, is that we should try a helmet if we want to try and remedy the flatness. His reasoning was that Josiah's plagiocephaly is pretty severe. It's not severe enough that it has been causing noticeable facial asymmetry, but the flattening is pretty severe. And b/c we had told him that with doing extra tummy time over the last month and not seeing any improvement, he said his thought is that it won't improve very significantly on its own. Although even with a helmet, it probably still won't completely round out. There will still be some flattening even after the helmet, just not as severe. He said if we had told him we saw some improvement with Josiah's plagiocephaly with the increased tummy time, then he might ask us to wait another month to see if it continues to get better, but since we haven't really seen a change, he said it's not likely to get a whole lot better on its own.

We really liked this doc even though we had to randomly pick him from a list of providers with our insurance. He was very personable and honest. He said he would also write a letter to our insurance about Josiah's medical need for the helmet to see whether this could help persuade them to cover the cost of the helmet, which is around $3000. At this point, Bill and I are probably 90% sure we are going to proceed with the helmet, especially since the doc so quickly and decisively recommended the helmet. We have another appt with the actual company that makes the helmets this week (Cranial Technologies). They will be doing a free initial consultation for us and will be assessing Josiah's head shape, as well as taking measurements. They will let us know whether they think he is a good candidate for the helmet, but we're pretty sure about what their answer will be. =) Other than that, we're considering one more objective opinion from another neurosurgeon not affiliated with the helmet people... just to see what his/her thoughts are. So please continue to pray for wisdom as we are taking in all this information and processing it. We want to do what's best for Josiah and steward him as best we can. =)

docs & 2nd opinions

Josiah had his 6-month pediatric appointment. He is now 13 lbs and 14 oz (still 3rd percentile) and 25.5 in tall (10-25 percentile). Josiah has been doing great lately. The doc said that he seems to be weaning himself off of the zantac since he's growing in weight, but the same dosage is still working for him. She slightly increased his dosage though so that when we start solids, his reflux should still be under control. Hopefully, he won't need the zantac anymore in a few months, but we'll see.

One big point of discussion I wanted to have with the doc was about how flat Josiah's head was. Since the physical therapist had left us info on the helmets, which would help correct Josiah's plagiocephaly (head flatness), I wanted to pursue the doc's thoughts on this further to make sure we were making the right decision and not choosing to let his head naturally round out for convenience-sake or wishful thinking... especially since we can notice that his head is in shape of parallelogram (instead of an oval), the right side of forehead protrudes a little, and his ears are not even. The doc still seemed to think that his head would round out on its own, but said it wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion from the helmet people if we were still concerned about it, especially since his case is moderate to severe. She did warn us, however, to keep in mind that they are selling a product and to take what they said with a grain of salt.

Bill and I do sense the need to pursue the helmet issue for more clarity. So I think we are going to do some of our own research and get some second opinions to see if we can definitively decide whether a helmet would be beneficial for Josiah or not. Everything about this is so new to us at this point, so we would so appreciate your prayers for wisdom as we look into all this. =)

a full roll!

YES!!! Our Smiles did a full roll this afternoon! Woohoo! He didn't seem to want to do anything else afterwards since I think he was pooped, but we're so proud!!! He is really coming along with hitting this milestone! I'm not sure how I feel about him becoming more mobile... it makes me sad and excited at the same time... can't stop time and keep him my baby. Look how big William is now. =(

I remember when William would roll from one end of the room to the other, so I wonder what Josiah will be like with his rolling. We are grateful that the Lord is growing our little boy and keeping him healthy. What an answer to prayer!

a prayer for my boys...

We commend our young to Your tenderest care. How deep, how abiding are early impressions! While the soil is yet tender--may seeds of godliness be sown.

Before Satan with his legion stealthily creeps in,
before the world with its bewitching vanities allures,
before corrupt examples beckon to destruction's way,
--do, O blessed Jesus, enter and win their first affections, and mold their pliant wills. Show them in life's dawn--Your beauty and Your glory, the peaceful charms of godly walk, and seal them by Your Spirit as Your own forever.

May Your Holy Spirit be the great teacher, to instruct them that Christ is the mine containing all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. May they early learn that the fear of the Lord is true wisdom, that to depart from evil is right understanding, and that to be brave for Christ is the noblest heroism.

Holy Father, turn not away from the desire of our hearts, humbly presented in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

~ from Family Prayers, by Henry Law ~

answered prayers

This post has been a long time coming.  Life has been super busy, but I just wanted to share about how the Lord has been faithful to answer some specific prayers regarding our boys.  These are prayers that I had prayed on a regular basis during my pregnancy, and I am amazed at how clearly and concretely the Lord has answered them.  I probably shouldn't be amazed or surprised, but I am in awe of just how involved the Lord is in our lives, even to the most minute detail.  Prayer just opens our eyes to how the Lord is faithfully at work:

1.  I prayed that the Lord would reveal specifically whether I should have a c-section or try a vbac.  I told Him that I would like to try a vbac, but if there was a specific way He wanted us to walk, to make that known to us.  My answer:  The womb was becoming more of a hostile environment for Josiah as the pregnancy progressed.  Josiah was already under stress being IUGR (intra-uterine growth restricted) with low amniotic fluid.  Also, since I had marginal previa, there was a chance that the placenta could move to the cervix and rupture during labor, putting both the baby and myself at risk.  Because of all this, the docs emphasized the importance of me not going into labor at all so that Josiah could be safely delivered via c-section without any undue, additional stress.  With those 2 factors, it seemed clear that a c-section was the way to go.  One prayer answered!

2.  I prayed that the Lord would have mercy during the recovery and transition period, that it would be easier than the first time.  My answer:  Since I didn't have to go into labor at all, my body wasn't as exhausted from going through labor and then doing an emergency c-section like it was the first time.  When the ob specialist found that the amniotic fluid had dipped into the danger zone, they scheduled me for a c-section that morning.  After that, the recovery was fairly easy.  Within a week, I felt fine physically.  The only struggle I had was from fatigue from getting up every few hours to pump to get my milk supply going.  Other than that, I felt really good.  I couldn't believe how different my recovery was from the first time.  Another prayer answered!

3.  I prayed that Josiah would be safe and healthy.  My answer:  Other than Josiah being growth-restricted and being born a month early, he has been the picture of health.  We are incredibly grateful that there were no other major developmental issues with him.  Another prayer answered!

4.  I prayed that the Lord would protect William's heart from any jealousy, envy, anger, or malice towards Josiah.... that instead he would grow a heart for Josiah and desire to care for and love his little brother.  My answer:  William did have a meltdown the first day we brought Josiah home from the hospital.  However, since that day, he has done nothing but love on Josiah.  He is always eager to pat him, bounce him (in his bouncy seat), or kiss him.  As I said before, it is really heartwarming to see, especially when he tries to shush and pat Josiah to comfort him when he's crying.  William has been our great and amazing little helper, wanting to help with everything he possibly can.  We are so encouraged by the little servant's heart he has.  He has been such a gift from God.  

5.  I prayed that Josiah would also come to love, respect, and look up to his big brother.  My answer:  Though I will see this unfolding more as they both grow older, it is awesome to be able to see small glimpses of this already.  Josiah's face lights up whenever William comes to say hi or talk to him.  He seems to have a special smile just for his big brother.  I look forward to seeing their relationship grow in the days to come.

I am still amazed at how the Lord made His presence known to me through answering these prayers so specifically.  It has been so clear (and awesome) in seeing how the Lord had sovereignly guided this pregnancy and the transition at home.  Thank you, Lord, for answered prayer and for your mercies!

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Matthew 7:7-11

The Lord is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

The Lord is good to all,

and his mercy is over all that he has made.

Psalm 145:8-9

update on us

Josiah went to see the pediatrician last week and is now 8 lbs 13 oz. She said he continues to gain weight well and is now on the curve (albeit the bottom), though he still scored  less than 3% for weight and height.  The doc wants us to continue using the high caloric formula to continue helping him gain the weight he needs.  We had tried Josiah on a thicker formula, but that only seemed to make him more fussy and choke/gag more.  That was what really helped us to see that he most likely has reflux.  So the doc prescribed zantac for us and since Josiah has been on it, he has done significantly better.  Since he's started it over the last 16 days, he's only had one major choking episode, whereas he had been choking every 4-5 days before.  He continues to eat and sleep most of the time, which is a huge blessing.  But he is beginning to sleep a little more at night, even though I still have to get up with him once or twice.  Usually, it's just once now.  Thank the Lord!  =)  The awesome thing is that Josiah no longer has his days and nights mixed up, so he is starting to stay awake longer during the day and respond to our voices by smiling more intentionally and cooing. It is great to see him becoming a little more social, especially when he smiles at William. 

Speaking of our little stinker, William decided to stop taking his naps a couple weeks ago. Bill and I were hoping it was a fluke and that he would eventually get back to it, but I think it has officially gone bye-bye. So we are slowly trying to train him to have "quiet time" in his crib during what would have been his naptime. We tell him that we would like for him to sleep, but if he chooses not to, then he can play quietly with some of his toys or "read" some of his books. The point is that he must be quiet though. It has been going well for the most part, but he breaks down a little towards the end. We're aiming to have him do this for an hour and a half, and usually he can last an hour and 15 minutes. So we're working on stretching him a little bit longer. 

William continues to love on Josiah and loves to pat him and get up in his face to say hi. It is the cutest watching him try to shush and console Josiah when he's crying. Then he comes running to say, "Momma! Momma! Baby crying." His language has continued to grow as he is learning more and more words. He has a lisp when he talks and sometimes it's hard to understand what he's saying, but I love hearing him talk... most of the time. =P It's a running commentary on everything. Some of his phrases are, "Momma, come upstairs." "Dada, up please." "Baby eyes open." "William done night-night." "Dada, sit here." And whatever he can't say, he makes sound effects for. William's word for "mine" is "William's." He'll pick up some cards and say, "William's." Or he'll pick up the bottle of ketchup and say, "William's." (He loves ketchup.) Somehow, I like "William's" more than "mine," but we're trying to teach him that everything we have was given to us from God and that it's important to share. I also love how he'll say, "Momma, Momma, Momma..." until I give him my full, undivided attention. Sometimes it irks me, but then I remember that he won't be like this for long. Soon I'll be trying hard to get his attention. So that helps to put things into perspective for me. William also loves quantifying things. When he points things out, he also always has to point out how many there are. So it's always "one bus" or "bwee (3) blocks" or "two trucks." And he'll also point out what's not there. He'll say, "po (4) balls. no two. no six. no pies (5)." And to hear him count... I love it! Here's his translation:

1 - one
2 - two
3- bwee
4 - po
5 - pies
6 - six
7 - beben
8- eight
9 - gong (don't know why)
10 - ten

He also continues to be our little helper, now learning to put dishes in the sink. He can't wait until he can get older to wash them. (I can't either! Hopefully, the appeal won't have rubbed off by then.) He loves carrying things for us whenever he can and throwing things away in the trash. And he loves helping Bill take the recycles outside for trash day or helping me put laundry into the wash or putting them away. What else... William knows his alphabet even though he can't sing the abc song still. He's a little tone-deaf when he sings. It's more just yelling. =) He can sing most of the letters in the song, but does better just recognizing them by sight. Oh, how he is growing and learning!

William had a pediatric appt today and is doing great.  Our only concern that we talked to the doc about is how he often wakes up in the middle of the night crying and screaming.  He definitely does it more often when he's overtired, but it seems to happen on a regular basis regardless.  Since this is something we had mentioned the last time we were at the doc's, she wants us to see an ent specialist to rule out sleep apnea or issues William may have with breathing during sleeping.  She said it's possible that he may be having irregular breathing when he sleeps, which could wake him.  I honestly don't think it's apnea since William cries and screams a lot when we put him down for the night and wakes up that way sometimes.  So I don't think it's related to breathing issues.  But I guess it's worth a try to see what thoughts the ent specialist may have.

Bill is still able to work from home the majority of the time. It's nice having him home, but he holes himself up upstairs, so I try not to bother him too much since he's supposed to be working. Things at Brainbox have been going through hard times as they have been affected by the economy. They are trying out different options and the Lord seems to be slowly providing for them as they are pursuing one area of development. If you get a chance, please pray that the Lord would give Bill and his partners direction and wisdom during these trying economic times.

And me... Don't have much to complain about, though I always do find something anyway. I am frequently struggling with anger and impatience, especially when I haven't gotten enough sleep. Sleep is something I crave, along with comfort and ease... and when I don't get either one the way I think I deserve, I give in to anger. (Well, moreso than usual.)  Please say a prayer for me during this busy season, as it's hard to find times to spend with the Lord. Pray that I would depend on his sustaining grace and not be self-sufficient on my own strength, or rather obvious lack of strength. I often give in to the lie that I am justified in feeling and acting sinful because I'm tired. If I could just sleep, everything would be better. We are also working on a number of training issues with William.  So my lack of sleep coupled with a 2-year old trying to assert his own will through testing... well, it presents many tempting situations.  But the truth is, I have so much to be grateful for. Not only did Jesus die on the cross for my sins, but He is risen and has given me power to overcome my feelings. Not just that, but He has not given me anything more than I can bear, and He has been so kind to give us this baby boy. And for this short season of having to get up with him at night, what price is that to pay? And what is William remembering about his Momma during this time?... that I get sinfully angry when I don't get enough sleep or that though I was tired, I was still able to have joy in serving Josiah at night and serving William during the day.  These are just some thoughts I'm trying to cling to on a daily basis.  Would love any prayers you could offer for me!  =)

back to the nicu...

I was going to give an update on how Josiah was doing at home, but unfortunately, we had to take him back to the hospital late Thursday night.  I've taken excerpts from an email Bill sent out to explain what happened...

At around 9:30 on Thursday evening, Josiah was sitting in his bouncy seat when he suddenly starting gagging and crying.  It was a frantic cry, and he began turning red and seemed like he was having a really difficult time breathing and/or choking.  Shortly after that he turned white and then finally blue in the face.  Bill took him into the bathroom and aspirated his nose and throat getting a lot of mucous and possibly formula and some darker color stuff out.  I can't thank God enough that Bill was there and had received a prompting to aspirate Josiah.  I was just panicking and had no clue what to do. All I kept thinking was, "What if we lose him?  What if we lose him?" and helplessly/frantically appealed to God for His mercies and intervention.  It was one of the most scariest moments of my life. 

I called 911 when Josiah started turning red, and once again, our local emergency crews were here within 5-10 minutes (praise God for them).  By the time they got here, Josiah was mostly back to normal color.  After they assessed him , despite his stable condition, the senior medic strongly recommended that we bring him in to the hospital to be evaluated by a physician.  He said they could bring him in the ambulance or we could just take him ourselves.  We decided to take him via ambulance.  The EMT that was in charge and who rode with Bill and Josiah turned out to be a great guy who had done mission work with a friend from our old care group in India with Yesu Paddem (sp?).  Great guy and very attentive to our needs and Josiah's care.  We were grateful to the Lord for sending him.

After evaluation, the attending pediatric ER doctor said they would like to admit Josiah to monitor his status overnight.  He brought in a neonatologist (who was GREAT), who said they would like to keep him for 24 hours to monitor him and see if they could pick up another one of these incidents (to see if they could find out the cause of it).  So back to the NICU went Josiah… They put in an IV and took some blood and samples.  The original findings were good.

Yesterday morning some labs came back irregular - nothing terrible, but his white blood cell count and another test (sorry, it was a long word and we can't remember it right now. :)  ) was not normal.  So they started him on an antibiotic.

They said there are 5 possible causes to something like this occurring:

1) Reflux
2) Central Apnea (periodic cessation of breathing)
3) Anemia
4) Infection
5) Seizure

Reflux is the most likely case.  They said they will PROBABLY release him with a home apnea monitor to keep an eye on him for a few weeks. They will treat him for an infection with the antibiotics to be safe (which will require at least a 48 hour stay in the NICU).  They also MAY do an EEG to try and rule out seizure because of family history.

So, please pray for our little man.  We want to get him back home safe and healthy.  God was very gracious to us in this whole situation by allowing this to happen while we were there watching him (and not asleep), and giving Bill prompting to aspirate him (despite what the 911 operator said, which was to 'do nothing') and give us such great medical care-givers -- the NICU doctor from Thursday morning especially (whom we met at around 2:30 am).  Funny enough this is the first NICU doctor we've actually talked to despite 12 days combined time of children in the NICU.  Now we've met two inside of a day.

As of today, Josiah is doing great and putting on lots of weight.  He now is 5 lbs 12 oz!  What a chub!  It is great seeing his little cheeks fatten up.  Hopefully the rest of his body will follow suit.  The remainder of his labwork has come back normal.  So they're basically waiting for him to finish taking his antibiotics, and they can remove his IV.  As for him being released, Bill and I will have to take an infant CPR class so we know how to help him better the next time something like this happens.  And the pulmonologist (lung/respiratory doc) wants us to do the home apnea monitoring for at least a few weeks to see if we can rule that out.  Bill and I will also have to receive training on how to use that as well.  So hopefully the CPR and home monitor training will happen on Monday so we can take our baby home.  But of course, it all depends on our insurance and which brand of monitoring system they want us to use and whether the hospital already has it or not.  The doc said Tuesday would be the latest if they don't have the right monitoring system available right away.

Please pray for my heart.  It has been a very difficult last 6 weeks.  And we are all feeling the effects of it.  I was very angry when they said they wanted to keep Josiah for 24 hours in the hospital.  I absolutely detest hospitals and just did not want my baby to have to go through all the testing and other things they'd have to do to him.  I just wanted to take him home.  But Bill has kindly reminded me (even though I don't receive it well) that they have to rule out all the possibilities to make sure he's really ok.  They would be negligent if they did not check everything out.  And fortunately, in God's kindness, they haven't had to do anything really invasive.  The worst he's gotten is an IV put in for the antibiotics, and there are certainly worse things that could be wrong with him.  Another friend had also made a passing comment that God has been faithful so far and will continue to be.  I was kinda like, "Huh?  God?  Oh, yeah...  That's so true.  I am such a dummy!"  In my self-centered world, I had forgotten about God and that He is intimately involved in all of this, especially that He loves Josiah even more than I do.  I need to take time to meditate on that more.

The upside to all of this is that it is so encouraging to see Josiah doing well in the hospital and putting on all that weight.  He actually seems happy, alert, and active there... much more so than he had been at home.  Maybe he did have an underlying infection of some kind that we didn't know about.  Bill pointed out that he just seems like a different baby.  And I didn't really think about it until he mentioned it.  He often seemed lethargic and listless at home, but in the hospital, he seems to be thriving, putting on a lot of weight, and just very animated and engaged. 

William has been having a hard time adjusting.  Just when it seemed things were getting back to normal again, Josiah is gone and Dada and/or Momma seem to be disappearing again.  (We've been going to the hospital to spend time with Josiah and do a couple feedings with him.)  Bill had been his only constant when I was in the hospital.  And I think it shakes him up a lot when Bill isn't there.  He is very attached to Bill right now.  So we've been trying to walk the line between forbearance and understanding that this is a hard time of transition for William with everything that's going on versus training/disciplining him and how to handle his meltdowns.  This is an area that we will definitely be seeking counsel on.

Bill has been doing a great job serving our family, especially under such constant stress.  But he is trying hard to balance work and care for William.  And though he loves the relationship that has grown between him and William, it is tough sometimes that William is so needy with him and prefers only Bill for everything.  Please pray for wisdom for Bill... that the Lord would provide insight and guidance on how to best lead our family and strength to do so. 

We appreciate all your prayers and keeping our family in your hearts.  We want to walk in faith for what the Lord has for us, but it's hard.  We trust though that despite the hardship, there is a reason for all of this and that it's for our good.  More than that, God is doing this because He loves us more than we will ever know, especially Josiah.

baby update 15

Day 12 in the hospital... This update isn't about the baby so much as it is about me and how I've been processing through everything. I have certainly run through a gamut of emotions while being here in the hospital. There was definitely a time of many, many tears (of self-pity), followed by a time of much anger and frustration over our circumstances. I can't tell you how I have hated being here... constantly being pricked, poked, and prodded. (I have a great fear of needles... I have 5 holes in my arms from different IV sites and have had to have blood drawn several times. I know... I'm a wuss. Even as I'm writing this it doesn't seem so bad compared to what some others have to walk through. But I'll be the first to tell you that I don't suffer well, even with the smallest of things.)

As I have wrestled with the Lord, He has been slowly working in my heart, helping to reveal to me some of the good that has been coming out of this trial. I still cycle through all those emotions at times, and some days are harder than others... I just really and incredibly miss my husband and little boy. And while I long for the comforts of home and the "normalcy" of how life used to be, I have been convicted of how little I have thought about Josiah... that in my craving for comfort and ease, I have forgotten and neglected to think about how there is another little one that God has entrusted to us (and that we prayed for) to care for. Part of it may be the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, since I can't actually see or hold him yet, but the truth is... he is no less real than William.

As a wonderful friend reminded me, this is God's best for me and Josiah right now. The hospital is the best place I can be for my baby boy to be taken care of, and I am grateful to the Lord for the technology and medical ability to monitor Josiah so closely to be sure that he is faring as well as he can. And as Bill has faithfully and lovingly pointed out, the Lord is calling me to care for my unborn baby, as he is currently in great need, doing everything I can to ensure that he has every chance to be healthy and strong, even at a cost to myself. But isn't that what Christ did for me? At the cost of excruciating pain and suffering and ultimately his life, He went through so much more for my sake, that I could have life... and have it to the fullest. In my shame, I realized that this wretched sinner has much to be grateful for.

Therefore, if this is what the Lord has called me to, then there will be grace provided for everything else...
- As much as I miss Bill, the Lord will provide the grace and strength he needs to care for William, to care for me, to do extra things around the house, and to deal with things at work.
- As much as I miss William, the Lord will provide the grace for him to adjust even though he doesn't fully understand what is going on and why there are so many changes.
- There is grace (and God's kindness) in how people have rallied together to serve us in this difficult time through making meals, going grocery shopping, cleaning our home, helping with painting, running errands, coming to visit me or giving me a phone call, watching William to release Bill to work, calling Bill to check-up on him, etc.
- There is grace in how the Lord is using this to bring Bill and William closer. They definitely have a special bond now that wasn't there before. It is truly very heartwarming to see. And I'm sure this will help with the transition when the baby finally comes home. William will have his relationship with Bill to lean on.
- There is grace in the encouragements and prayers we have received. I am incredibly grateful for the constant reminders of truth and care.
- There is grace in that I am not walking through any physical suffering or pain. I pretty much have not felt any of the contractions that I'm having.
- There is grace in how far along we are in the pregnancy when everything happened. All the doctors say that it is so much better that we began walking through this at 34 weeks instead of say, 24 weeks. It is so close to the end of the pregnancy that the baby has had so much more time to develop and mature than if this had occurred earlier in the pregnancy. I would have had to go on bedrest earlier and the baby's development would have been much more affected early on.
- There is grace in how I am now looking forward to being home with both of my boys. I used to stress and get anxious about how I would care for 2 little ones, but now I am eagerly anticipating us all being together at home. I know it'll be hard, but it's the kind of hard that I would happily welcome and be thankful for.
- There is grace in how we are in the care of good doctors and nurses who are being ever watchful of Josiah's condition. The nurses especially have been so kind.

I am sure I am forgetting or not seeing many more evidences of grace. And I pray that the Lord would help me continue to see them so that I may cultivate a heart of gratefulness, instead of focusing on what I think I deserve. I know that this is something the Lord has ordained for us from before time. And if the Lord has sovereignly planned this, we know and can be assured that He is using this for our good and His glory. The Lord personally designed this trial to be good for us and the best for us. That is a truth that I need cling to... God is ordaining this for good.