need this pounded into my head...

I have been pondering this lately...  In care group, we've been going through Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, by Paul Tripp.  I wish I could plaster this in front of my face somehow so I could remember this.  Such great truth to be continually reminded of:

What should we do to be part of God's work in the lives of others?  Paul uses the word ambassadors to define what it means to live incarnationally.   

The job of an ambassador is to represent someone or something.  Everything he does and says must intentionally represent a leader who is not physically present.  His calling is not limited to forty hours a week, to certain state events, or to times of international crisis.  He is always the king's representative.  He stands in the place of the king (or the government of his country) wherever he is, whatever he is doing.  His relationships are not primarily driven by his own happiness.  He decides to go places and do things because they will help him to faithfully represent the king.  Thus the work of an ambassador is incarnational.  His actions, character, and words embody the king who is not present. 

Paul says that God has called us all to function as his ambassadors.  Our lives do not belong to us for our own fulfillment.  The primary issue is, "How can I best represent the King in this place, with this particular person?"  This is not a part-time calling; it is a lifestyle.  When an ambassador assumes his responsibilities, his life ceases to be his own.  Everything he says and does has import because of the king he represents.  Anything less is an affront to the king and a denial of the ambassadorial calling. 

What is God calling you to in your marriage?  To be an ambassador.  What is God calling you to as a parent?  To be an ambassador.  What is God calling you to regarding your friends and neighbors?  To be an ambassador.  What is God calling you to at work and in leisure?  To be an ambassador.  We represent God's purposes to the people he places in our lives.  This is much broader than a commitment to formal ministry occupying a portion of our schedule.  It acknowledges that our lives belong to the King.   

But this is where we get ourselves into trouble.  We don't really want to live as ambassadors.  We would rather live as mini-kings.  We know what we like and the people we want to be with.  We know the kind of house we'd like to own and the car we want to drive.  Without even recognizing it, we quickly fall into a "my desire, my will, and my way" lifestyle, where the things we say and do are driven by the cravings of our own hearts.  If we were honest, we would have to confess that the central prayer of our hearts is "my kingdom come" (p. 104-105). 

Why are we so good at turning moments of ministry into moments of anger?  Why are we so adept at personalizing what is not personal?  Why does it seem that people, things, and situations are in our way?  Why do we seldom go through a day without some experience of conflict?  The answer to all of these questions is that we think of our lives as our own, and we are more committed to the purposes of our own kingdom than we are to God's.  We need to recognize that the people in our way have been sent to us by a wise and sovereign King.  He never gets a wrong address and always chooses just the right moment to expose our hearts and realign them to his (p. 106-107).

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

~ Galatians 2:20 ~

you are more...

Since we're on a song kick...  Over the last few weeks, I have been struck by the words to the song "You Are More," by Tenth Avenue North.  I love, love, love the reminder of who we are in Christ and that we are FORGIVEN.  More specifically, God's forgiveness supersedes any and all the mistakes we make (or will make)... and is sovereign over even the problems we may create for ourselves because of our sin.  Our worth is not rooted in what we've done or failed to do.  It is found in who we are because of what God has done for us.  God is good, isn't He?  Here are the lyrics...

There's a girl in the corner 

With tear stains on her eyes 

From the places she's wandered 

And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 

I'm not who I once was. 

And I'm crippled by the fear 

That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 

What's been done for you? 

Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create, 

You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 

That she's been given new life 

But she can't shake the feeling 

That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 

And she's rehearsed all the lines 

And so she'll try to do better 

But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create, 

You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create, 

You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 

But what's been done for you. 

This is not about where you've been, 

But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 

But what He felt to forgive you, 

And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more than the problems you create, 

You've been remade. 

You've been remade 

You've been remade. 

You've been remade.

happy birthday, boo!

My Boo turned the big 3-5.  =)  Hard to believe!!  Although we are both feeling our age, I wanted to take some time to affirm, encourage, and thank him for how he has led our family through our financial trials.  I know I am blessed beyond measure to have a man work with such integrity to provide for our family.  The last year and a half have not been easy, as he has born the brunt of the burden to work off debt from Brainbox.  We had gone through all our savings and gotten through hard times through the financial help of family, friends, and a few anonymous givers.  Bill had worked tirelessly all day and late into the night.  Paying off the debt that Brainbox owed was always very important to Bill.  And I am grateful for a husband who desired to walk with integrity and faithfulness in his work.

With an impending lawsuit against his company this past summer, we finally made the painful decision to declare bankruptcy.  (We would have otherwise spent the rest of our lives paying back the business debt that was owed.)  But God was so faithful with all the timing.  Bill's health was beginning to fail due to all the stress that had accumulated from the past year and a half.  Making the decision to file was the most difficult for him, but as soon as the decision was made, God just blessed us more than we could have ever imagined.  In the span of 3 months, He graciously provided another place for us to live (with more space than our old townhouse and a yard for the boys to play in) in a safe, quiet neighborhood, along with the first year of rent paid for.  Such a blessing as this will allow us to begin saving some money again since losing all our savings over the last year or so.  Once we filed, Bill said it literally felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  We finally felt like we had room to breathe again, as the bankruptcy actually became an extraordinary blessing.  We were able to surrender our old townhouse and not have to deal with the hassle of selling.  We would have had to pour thousands more dollars into upgrading it even as it continued to be a negative investment since it's underwater.  It was money we didn't have.  And now with the bankruptcy filed, our debt has been forgiven and Bill can now work under more "normal" circumstances.  Before, Bill was able to work from home, but he was not home with us.  But now He has more regular working hours, time to play with the boys, and just time at home with us.  We love being able to have our time with him again.

Anyway, all this to say it has been an amazing year with you, Boo.  The Lord has stretched you and humbled you, but oh, how He has blessed you.  Though it was difficult, it has been amazing to walk through these trials with you and see God's kind and gracious provision.  I can't stop marveling at how merciful God has been.  And through it all, He has used this to increase your faith.  As the Lord worked mightily to deliver the Israelites from the hands of the Egyptians, so He has worked mightily to deliver us.  A commentary I read says, "... where the Israelites saw only an unwanted disaster [when they were trapped between the Red Sea and Pharoah's army], the Lord had a purpose that would minister to his glory, give them assurance of faith and secure the future from the menaces of their past.  For on That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore (Ex. 14:30).  At this demonstration of the great power of the LORD... the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him (14:31).  In the same way, the Lord had a purpose in this trial and bankruptcy that would minister to his glory, give us assurance of faith, and secure the future from the menaces of our past (our financial debt).  God has grown us in this season for this purpose:  to witness and attest to the great power of the LORD, so that we may fear him and put our trust in Him.  I love you, Boo... and am eager to see all that the Lord will do with our "new" start.

meeting of the creditors...

Our bankruptcy hearing was called the "Meeting with the Creditors"... the somewhat equivalent version of a trial for our bankruptcy case.  Creditors are allowed to come to ask questions or ask for more details.  There were lots of uncertanties and anxieties for us going into the meeting.  When we got there, our attorney asked for social security cards.  Uhhhh, what?  We had no idea we needed them.  We told our lawyer it wasn't in the letter we received with all the details concerning the hearing. She checked and it was certainly not there.  She said the best she can do is ask the magistrate for a postponement.  Obviously this was tough news for us... having to wait longer, and we had booked a hotel room the previous night to avoid the commute in the morning (and to save Bill's sanity).

Our lawyer went in and talked to the magistrate and came out and told us the really good news that he would accept a faxed copy from the attorney's office, so we just had to head over there when we got home.  (Just a brief point of praise:  I had just recently gotten my social security card replaced because I couldn't find it.  I didn't need it for anything.  Just felt that it was important to get it replaced in case I would need it for some reason.  So grateful for the Lord's prompting!)  So it was time for our hearing.  We went into this room with about a dozen other folks, all whose cases were also scheduled for 9:30.  We were probably around the 6th case to be heard on the 9:30 docket.  It was really weird.  The magistrate sat at the front of the room at a long table.  Each person went up with their lawyer, and in front of everyone, had to answer the magistrate's questions publicly.  We were a little wary of having to speak to the magistrate in front of others.

I guess if you've been doing this for a long time, you know where to look, but the magistrate seemed to know exactly what questions to ask, somewhat different for each case, to find discrepancies in what was in the paperwork and what was said.  During the case before our's (or prior to that), there was a random attorney who leaned in to ask the magistrate if he had a few minutes to discuss a few things.  He said "I have to leave in 5 or 6 minutes to get to court."   Bill was seriously confused.  He thought maybe the magistrate was just going to dismiss the rest of us until later or something, but he just plowed on.  So it came to our turn.  He asked us about our mortgage status and our intentions with the townhouse.  We answered (after being sworn in) and then he just asked if all our assets/debts were reflected in our documentation and we said, "yes."  Didn't ask anything about Brainbox, and then we were finished.  He flipped over our file, wrote some stuff on the back of it, as he did with the others, and that was that.  None of our creditors had showed up either.

Pretty painless.  Bill asked the associate lawyer who was with us what the next steps would be and she said we should get our letter confirming the discharge (release of debt) in the next 30-60 days.  That's it?  That's it.

When Bill went in to fax over the social security cards, he ran into the attorney we had mostly been working with.  The attorney said unless there are some major red flags, we should be done, as our associate attorney said earlier.

It was pretty amazing to see God show us such favor in various steps of this situation.  The fact that he let us go in without our SS cards (which honestly the attorney seemed surprised about) and the fact that he was in a rush and didn't ask us hardly any questions... that just confirmed the Lord's hand in the situation, and now there's another big burden lifted.   Now we have to find a place to live and we should be good!  :)

We are marveling at God's mercy towards us, as truly we are debtors to mercy alone.  We also were very struck by an impression that was shared with Bill by a friend in our leaders' group.  He said the hearing is very similar to Judgment Day when we will see the Lord face to face.  In the hearing we went to today, we were to report on our financial dealings, hoping to have our financial debt forgiven.  But on Judgment Day, the Lord will look over all our dealings in life, from our thoughts to how we have treated people to how we have walked through all that He put before us.  And this won't happen in private.  It will be like the meeting of the creditors, before all mankind to see.  But ALL of it will be FORGIVEN.  Isn't that amazing?  EVERY sin will be brought to light, and ALL of it will be FORGIVEN.  It will all be wiped clean because the debt has already been paid.  It is stunning to think that all is forgiven because of what Christ bore on the cross.

Thank you, Andrew, for the impression you shared.  It ministered much to our souls.  And thank you all so much for your help, support, counsel, prayers, and encouragement in this season.  Obviously we're still not "out of the woods," but we're getting there!   The next step is to look for a place to rent .  =)  Bill's mom came and babysat the boys for us last night and she took us out to celebrate and we ate some amazing sushi!  Mmmm.... (Thanks, Mom!)

home...

Just wanted to post some thoughts that have been bringing much peace on the eve of our bankruptcy hearing.  These are thoughts that I've been meditating on since our bankruptcy journey has started, especially in knowing that we would not be able to purchase our own home anytime within the next few years... at least.  That definitely took some wrestling through with the Lord... that dream of owning a single family home with a big yard for the boys to play in, a place where you can be hospitable and not worry about limited space, a place where you can just come to rest, put your feet up, and just be yourself... knowing that this is the place where people love you the most no matter how sinful you are, a place that is secure, safe, comforting, warm, inviting, loving... that's a home (to me).  =)

But having to come to terms with the possibility that we may never own our own home (since we have no idea how long the market will be the way it is or how long it will actually take for us to recover our credit.  Only the Lord knows these things as He holds our future in His hands.), really forced me to ask myself why this meant so much to me.  Why did I have this specific picture of what a home looks like?  Why was I thinking that I would feel a sense of completion when I attained this kind of a "home?"  And what does it mean if things don't turn out that way?  I quickly realized that wanting a place to call home is not sinful in and of itself.  God has given us a desire to call somewhere home... to be known and loved... to be home somewhere...

As I considered all this, I was so grateful for the Lord's reminder that my true home in fact, is not here.  My citizenship is not here.  Home is in Heaven with Him, where He has prepared a place for me.

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ...

Philippians 3:20

In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

John 14:2-3

And if on this earth, I never have a place I can really call "home," I am grateful for the opportunity to be reminded over and over again that I have a better home to one day look forward to.  It's not time yet to kick my feet up and rest.  =)  As long as I am given breath, the Lord has work for me to do.  So I want to do it gratefully, knowing that I have a heavenly home to look forward to, where my gracious and loving Father is also.  And I thank God for the opportunity to also point my sons to the tangible fact that their ultimate home is not here either.  Wherever God leads us, it's home b/c He's there with us.  Not because we have a certain kind of home that looks a certain way.

No matter how things go tomorrow, we know that the only thing they can take from us is "stuff."  And though that would be hard to lose our physical possessions, we know we will always retain what is of infinite and eternal value... our standing as forgiven children of God.  In light of this, knowing that we are not only forgiven, but also adopted into God's family as co-heirs with Christ, we have been very grateful for this opportunity to keep our eyes heavenward and to live by faith.  So whether we have a physical dwelling we would like to call home, Home is ultimately where God leads us, eventually to that final destination where He has already prepared a place for us.

school stuff...

After many months of wanting to set aside some time each day to do something academic with William, 2 good friends of mine helped point me to some really basic workbooks to start with.  They are so basic and fun that William LOVES when we do our school stuff.  (Thanks, Kelly and Danielle!!)

I wouldn't really call what we're doing "school" just yet, since it's not math or reading or anything like that.  But the skills he's learning are all things that he will do/use in school eventually.  So they have been great foundational skills for him.  Two of the workbooks help him with his fine motor control using cutting, applying stickers, and pasting.  The other one deals with the very basics of writing, focusing on holding the pencil properly and learning to draw lines, semi-circles, circles, diagonal lines, etc. as a precursor to writing letters.  I can't emphasize how much William loves doing these workbooks.  They are bright, colorful, and animated.  William looks forward to doing them every day, and we do our school stuff after we do our scripture memory.

I just discovered that they have workbooks for coloring and folding paper that I may get.  He could use some help with coloring, as evidenced from the coloring sheets we get from Discovery Land (our children's ministry) that are just briefly scribbled in one color.  =)  Love, love, love being able to be a part of my boy's learning and watching him grow as he learns new skills.  As I watched him cutting and writing, I could totally picture him in school cutting, pasting, coloring, and working on an assignment.  It made me wonder once again where all the time has gone.  The days of having my William at home with me will soon be gone (unless we decide to homeschool, which at this point seems unlikely).  Am just working hard to treasure these days with him, as I know they are numbered.  Sigh...

it's official...

We finally filed for bankruptcy and decided to surrender our townhouse.  =(  After a lot of prayer and counsel, we had much confirmation that it was time, considering all the business debt we owe and things just coming to a head at Brainbox.  While this decision has been a long time coming, I think knowing that it's now official will take some time to set in.  Amazingly though, we have much peace about the decision and are eager to move ahead after an especially grueling year and a half of work for Bill.  The past year and a half has also taken its toll on Bill's health.  So for that important reason, as well as many others, we felt the Lord leading us to this decision.

We are indebted to the many people who have prayed for us, taken the time to listen and provide godly counsel, helped us financially, and cared for our family.  The Lord's provision for us has clearly been made evident through your support and love for us.

Most importantly, we are incredibly grateful to the Lord for answering our prayers, providing clarity on making this decision, and for His grace that has carried us thus far.  There is definitely temptation to feel daunted and overwhelmed by our situation, especially over the next several months (i.e. packing up and having to move out, having to find a place to rent, experiencing the repercussions of having bad credit due to the bankruptcy, etc.), but we have been reminded of God's mercy and goodness to us... that He already knows our future and is not overwhelmed by our circumstances.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  =)  He is intimately involved in everything that is going on and is in control over all that is happening.  We know that there is purpose behind everything we walk through and that there is much divine grace available to walk through what God has called us to because He delights in us.  (How humbling and wonderful to know that God delights in us!)

Here is a passage that has been especially encouraging to Bill:

If the Lord had not been my help,

my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

When I thought, “My foot slips,”

your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.

When the cares of my heart are many,

your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 94:17-19

And for me, I have been finding comfort in Spurgeon:

“He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him;

let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”

Psalm 22:8

Faith teaches us to look for the end of every trial and to know that this trial works together for good if we love God, if we are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28).  Faith teaches us to depend on God's power during trials.  Thus, we no longer stumble but rise above our afflictions.

Believer, if you are anxious, careworn, and worried, it cannot do you any good.  It reflects no honor on your great Father.  Pray for faith to transfer your back-breaking load to the great Burden bearer...  If you are content with the divine will, it is better than increased riches, because wealth does not bring peace, and prosperity gives no joy in the Lord.  

Whatever burden faith finds, it casts it on God in prayer...

Believers, go to God with the matters of each day.  Look for morning dew to fall and for God to be your constant shield.  At night before you rest, empty the day's gathered troubles and fall into a happy sleep.  Thus, we sweetly live, trusting our Lord with everything and finding Him always near.

In all this, our Savior's example leads us, and His love within our hearts draws us.  "He trusted in the Lord, let Him rescue him; let Him deliver him, since He delights in him" (Ps. 22:8).

We are in many ways, excited for the opportunities to really live by faith as we see what the Lord has in store for us.  Would LOVE your prayers for increased faith for the days ahead... that there would be much continued peace and joy to pack when we find out when we need to move out and that the Lord would graciously provide a place for us to rent (ideally closer to Bill's other job in Columbia).  (The timeline can be anywhere between 4 -12 months.)  Can't thank you enough for your prayers and care!!  They have truly helped carry us through this difficult season.

this day...

I have always loved this oldie from Point of Grace. (I think it came out sometime in the early 90's.) It never fails to make me teary. Lately, I listened to it again, and the Lord has been using the lyrics of this song to help me cherish my days with my boys and not take them for granted, as I can so easily do. I especially love the bridge and last verse. "This Day," by Point of Grace...

This day is fragile - soon it will end.

And once it has vanished, it will not come again.

So let us love with a love pure and strong,

Before this day is gone.

This day is fleeting when it slips away,

Not all our money can buy back this day.

So let us pray that we might be a friend,

Before this day is gone.

This day is fleeting.

When it slips away,

Not all our money can buy back this day.

So let us pray that we might be a friend,

Before this day is spent.

This day we're given is golden.

Let us show love.

This day is ours for one moment,

Let us sow love.

This day is frail - it will pass by.

So before it's too late to recapture the time,

Let us share love, let us share God.

Before this day is gone.

Before this day is gone.

no more formula!

Josiah has fully transitioned to whole milk now. Woohoo! Buh-bye expensive formula! It is amazing to us that he doesn't seem to have any allergies to anything. In a way, we were hoping he would have something so William wouldn't feel so "not normal," but the Lord has His own good plans for William... the least of which is concerned about what he can or can't eat. =P The Lord has fearfully and wonderfully made William and Josiah, each in their own unique and different ways... using each thing each boy walks through to draw them to Himself. It will be neat to watch. =)

a little easter history & annapolis…

Bill and I are still trying to figure out what traditions we want to do for different holidays, but we used the Resurrection Eggs this year to help William begin to understand the death and resurrection of Christ… and we were pleased with how much he got out of them.

In wanting to see if there was any connection between Easter eggs, Easter bunnies, egg hunts/rolls and Christianity, I did a lot of research online. Here’s what I found for those who are interested: The early Christians adopted the idea of Easter eggs from pagan practices and kinda made it their own. (I was a little sad to find that the early Christians couldn't think of their own traditions to make.) Anyway, the origins of the word "Easter" are not certain, but probably derive from Estre, an Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring. Eggs signify new life, which is mainly used to represent the coming of spring. Early Christians adopted eggs to signify new life that is available in Jesus Christ through His resurrection. "The egg is seen as symbolic of the grave and life renewed or resurrected by breaking out of it... Traditionally, Orthodox Easter eggs are dyed red to represent the blood of Christ, shed on the Cross, and the hard shell of the egg symbolized the sealed Tomb of Christ—the cracking of which symbolized his resurrection from the dead." I've also found that the dyeing of the eggs can be used to tell the Easter story, with each color signifying a different part of the story (i.e. red for His blood that was shed, black for his death, etc.) (Although I don't know where you'd find black dye.)

The Easter bunny is totally pagan though. It's just used in Easter (or the coming of spring) since rabbits are a symbol of fertility. Easter egg hunts/rolls are purely related to the Easter bunny, who leaves the eggs (which makes no sense b/c rabbits don't lay eggs) to "hatch new life." And people have turned it into something fun by putting candy inside. I could not find any connection between Easter egg hunts w/Christianity. But some people wrote that the Easter egg roll can represent the stone being rolled away. I think (personally) that's a bit of a stretch.

With that being said, Bill and I decided that we wanted to focus on the fact that the eggs are used to signify new life, particularly the new life we have in Jesus Christ through his death and resurrection. And the Easter egg, with whatever "treasure" is found inside, should remind us of the treasure and new life we have in Christ. It's similar to exchanging gifts during Christmas... Jesus was God's gift to us. And the dyeing of the eggs is just a fun way to make them pretty. =P (sorta like putting up a Christmas tree, although I haven’t really researched that.)

In preparing William to spend Easter w/Bill’s family this year, we talked to him about what the eggs represent, although I’m sure much of it went over his head. But we had a great time with Bill's family in Annapolis, and it was neat to watch William really get into the egg hunt and egg dyeing this year since he didn't really understand what was going on in previous years. Here are some highlights…

Playing with some sidewalk chalk and bubbles… Lori got William a cool bubble container where the wand would pop up when you squeezed it, but unfortunately, not many bubbles came of it. =( Josiah and his cousin Aidan, who I can’t believe has grown so much in the last year! Our little goofball… Josiah, his cousin Chris, and a neighbor’s dog… William has warmed up quite a bit to dogs. He used to be afraid of them and not want to touch them. The Easter egg hunt begins… Mema did a great job preparing all kinds of things for William to do. And she found these cute eggs that looked like farm animals. =) Looking for the eggs… Watching the action from the porch… Love this pic! And this one! Eating some Teddy Grahams found in one of the eggs… (Mom, thanks for finding some dairy-free treats for William!) And sharing some with Mema… Aunt Lori & Josiah… It was William’s turn to hide the eggs for Mema to find… William just tossed some of them into her garden… William helped Mema by telling her where the eggs were… =) Bill was getting some shut-eye during all the Easter egg hunting… ;) William is hiding the eggs now for Papa… tossing them into the garden. Papa is looking for the eggs… Josiah is taste-testing the bubbles. Mmmm, yummy! William is hiding the eggs now for Dada. Instead of tossing them, he resorted to the quick and efficient way of chucking them across the yard. It was pretty funny to watch. We had to wake Sleeping Beauty to go look for his eggs… Mema’s favorite place to be… Dyeing the eggs… Letting them sit for a while… Waiting is hard work! =) Ooooo… the moment of truth… Josiah was too busy wrestling with a teddy bear to dye eggs…

by grace alone...

Lately, I have been struggling a lot with discouragement and guilt over how difficult it's been to remain patient while parenting William. He is just at a super challenging age... and I am a super big sinner, so the Lord has been greatly using both to sanctify my heart... slowly conforming it more into the image of Jesus... albeit very, very slowly. =)

But I just started reading When Sinners Say I Do and received a lot of encouragement through just reading the first chapter. It is full of truths about what the Lord purposes for our marriages. And I believe some of these truths extend to our relationships w/our children or any other thing that we find challenging or tempting. Dave Harvey writes,

God is changing us as sinners. That process of change points toward a glorious goal - to become more like his Son, our Savior. But for us to become more like Christ, we must reckon with the fact that we are sinners; forgiven, yes, but still battling the inward drive to turn away from God to ourselves (p. 28-29, emphases mine).

Without such biblical clarity, we have no context for the cross and no ongoing awareness of our need for grace and mercy... Without a "full disclosure on sin," blind self-confidence will compel us to try to make our marriages work on our own strength. And whatever we try to do in our own strength does not have as its goal the glory of God and does not get its life from the fountain of the gospel (p. 29, emphases mine).

Nothing ground-breaking here, but Truth is truth. And the Lord used these truths at the right time to minister to and bring abundant peace to my soul. How kind of Him to remind me that I am still a sinner. =) I will never be the perfect momma I want to be for William (& Josiah). Oh, wretched momma that I am.

The Lord has perfectly made me righteous before Him through the shed blood of Jesus for my sins. I am already fully justified before my Savior who bore the penalty of my transgressions against a Holy and Perfect God. But in this life, God has deemed it good for His children to walk through a sanctification process by allowing that battle w/sin to continue in our hearts... having that inward drive to turn away from God to ourselves. I can so relate to this... how many times have I chosen to give in to anger, rather than patience, compassion, kindness, forbearance, humility... how many times do I choose to do things my way, rather than God's way, blindly believing that my way is best and right. Oh, wretched momma that I am.

BUT without these struggles, I realized there would be no context for the cross in my life... no awareness of my need for grace and mercy. And that is THE POINT!! The point is to daily see my need for grace and mercy in everything that I do. It is to daily, moment by moment, see my need for a Savior... b/c when I cease to struggle or battle, I cease to need my Lord.

So instead of finding discouragement, I am finding encouragement that the Lord has me exactly where He wants me... He wants me to see how I need Him... how in need I am of His grace, mercy, and help in my life. The Lord knows I will always be that wretched momma... (constantly battling anger and self-sufficiency), and that's ok. It's ok b/c it's not about me. It's about God's work in me. It is only by His grace that I will grow to be more like Jesus. He is doing a work in me that will someday be fully completed when I see Him face to face. I take much comfort in knowing that "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Phil 1:6; emphasis mine). His work in me will one day be completed. Not today, or tomorrow, or the next day... but it will be one day completed. And each day that He gives me is a day in that process that gets me closer to that Final Day.

I had forgotten all this... and am so grateful to the Lord for reminding me of these wonderful truths.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ~

The Lord is keeping me humble. He is helping me to lean on His grace, for it is sufficient. It is enough. He will give me just the perfect amount of grace for what I need. Nothing more than that, and nothing less than that. It is only when I am truly weak in my sin... and struggling, that He will strengthen me with the power of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong! I am only beginning to wrap my mind around this. =) By His grace alone...

i yove you weewy much...

The Lord was kind to give me a very good day with William. Normally, there's a lot of rebellion and bad attitudes that need to be worked through with him... ok, as well as with me, to be totally honest. Let's just say that the Lord has been doing much lately in terms of using each of us to sanctify the other. =)

However, William and I had an especially difficult time before his bedtime. I had definitely sinned against him. And before I was convicted about seeking his forgiveness, I was brought to tears as my little boy pursued me a few minutes later and told me he wanted me (instead of Bill) to put him down for bed. He said, "Momma put you down. Momma, I yove you weewy [really] much." He said that about 3 times before I could even respond to him because I was so taken aback by his love that did not even consider how he had been wronged. "Momma, I yove you weewy much." He had so very quickly forgiven me before I had sought his forgiveness. "Momma, I yove you weewy much."

Can't tell you how blown away I was by how the Lord gave me a little window into how He covers over my sin and pursues me even when I have not repented of my sins and am still deep in it. William pursued me as if I had never sinned against him. And I was immediately convicted that that's how the Lord treats me... that even despite how I constantly sin against Him, He treats me as if I never sinned against Him. And I know that's only possible because of the blood of Jesus that covers me by His substitutionary sacrifice on the cross for my sins. Jesus bore God's wrath for me so I would not ever have to bear it myself... even when I still sin. God is the same towards me regardless of whether I sin. He is ALWAYS kind regardless of whether I sin. He is ALWAYS patient regardless of whether I sin. He is ALWAYS compassionate regardless of whether I sin. It is the gospel that gives me hope "that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ" (Phil. 1:6)... that with His help and the fact that I am a new creation, I can grow in becoming a better Momma to William. His mercies are truly new every morning. Isn't that amazing? Every morning, the Lord has fresh, new mercies to pour out on His children. Every day, there are new opportunities to start anew because of His mercies, both old and new.

What amazing grace was displayed through my precious little boy. And how grateful I am to the Lord for him... he doesn't even know how much the Lord is using him to teach his momma all kinds of good and important things on a daily basis, especially about being the first to extend grace and being quick to forgive.

William, I yove you weewy much.... more than you will ever know!

a word from spurgeon...

This passage from Beside Still Waters really spoke to me. I am so prone to complain these days about our financial situation, busy/hectic days, or just things I think I deserve...

Earthly comforts are loaned. They are not gifts, for all that we possess is God's property. He has only lent them, and what he lends He has a right to take. We hold possessions and friends on a lease that can be terminated at the Supreme Owner's option. Therefore, do not complain when God takes His own. In a world where thorns and briars grow, it is natural that some sharp points will pierce you.

The world swarms with thieves, deceivers, and slanderers, with losses in business, crosses in our expectations, false or fickle friends, and with sickness and death. Little wonder our joys are stolen. Our Master warns that our habitation is not theft-proof. "Do not lay up for yourself treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal" (Matt. 6:19).

Beloved, because these calamities may be expected, let us be prepared. Hold all things loosely. Hold them as though you did not have them. Look at them as fleeting; never expect them to remain. Never make mortal things your gods. If you do, your heart will be broken when they are taken, and you will cry with Micah, "You have taken away my gods which I made" (Judg. 18:24) (p. 22, emphases mine).

This passage especially spoke to me about my relationships with people, in particular those close to me. This is perhaps one of the most difficult areas for me to have charitable thoughts, as I tend to judge, compare, and have unspoken and high expectations. It was a great reminder that EVERY area of my life is on loan from the Lord, including friends and family. Nothing is owed to me. I can definitely relate to Micah when my heart gets broken or I get angry when those relationships are not what I want/expect them to be or are taken away... never realizing that I have made an idol of them. My heart is broken and I fall into sin b/c they are what I had put my hope in, holding on to them as if I had nothing else. I was very convicted by this passage to hold onto my relationships as though I did not have them... to be grateful for the time that I have with the dear people God has placed in my life. And when friendships or relationships seem to be changing, to be willing to let them go and accepting of how the Lord may be shifting the nature of our friendship/relationship. Sadly, looking back on my life, I see what a pattern that has been... just constantly putting people before God and putting my hope in them, rather than in my perfect Creator. I pray that the Lord would help me learn how to hold all things loosely, to never expect them to remain so that my full trust and obedience can rightfully be to God and Him alone.

"you happy, momma?"

This has been William's question to me over the last several weeks. He usually will ask me a few times throughout each day. "You happy, Momma?" Sometimes I have to really think about my answer to his little, but penetrating question. Sometimes he'll ask just to ask, as if he's checking up on me. "You happy,
Momma?" And I can honestly answer that I am happy, explaining that I'm happy b/c I have Jesus (who died on the cross and took away my sins), Dada, him, Josiah, etc. Other times, he'll ask when he sees a scowl on my face from failing to serve joyfully. "You happy Momma?" And that's when I hesitate in my answer b/c his question just cuts through to my heart, challenging and bringing to light my sinful heart and what I'm communicating to him... being acutely aware in the moment that I'm missing a gospel opportunity b/c of some sinful attitude I'm having. Then he follows-up with, "You angry, Momma?" And then I have no choice but to confess my sinful heart to him, ask His forgiveness, ask God's forgiveness, and ask William to pray with me for the help I need to have a grateful heart and to remember the gospel.

It is amazing and amusing to me how the Lord uses my 3-year old boy to teach me daily life lessons... in humility b/c I'm supposed to be being an example to him... in confessing sin b/c I'd rather not recognize I'm sinning and would rather ignore it and fester in it... in growing in having a grateful heart b/c how my heart is prone to complain and think arrogantly that I deserve certain things... in prayer b/c I don't ask God enough for the help I need on a daily and moment-by-moment basis to serve and care for William and my family.

How I am grateful for my little boy, who is already able to ask great questions to get at his momma's heart. I am learning from him as much as he is learning from me. The Lord undeniably sanctifies us both as we learn from each other. And I pray that God would bless his little heart for being concerned about my happiness. Love him so much!! He is such a precious gift from the Lord.

first tooth!

Wow... I was so excited when I saw Josiah's first tooth coming out through his little gums. He has been sucking on his paci and hands (or anything else he could get into his mouth) like crazy. It's just an itty-bitty white spot, but it's there! I wanted to take a picture, but you can only see it at a certain angle, and Josiah was being less than cooperative. So hopefully we'll be able to get a shot sometime soon.

I had still been feeling a little sad about the band. I was struggling with the fact that he would reach many of his big milestones while in the band (i.e. teething, sitting, crawling, etc.). I guess I just don't want him to suffer at all, even if it's just by looking different from other babies. As he reaches these milestones with the band on, it's just a reminder that he's still different. Without the band, I guess there's the illusion that he's just like any other "normal" baby. Not sure if any of that makes sense... But seeing his little tooth come in today without him being banded yet just encouraged my heart so much (even though it is the day before he's going to get it). =P The Lord just was so faithful to remind me that Josiah will have other milestones without the band when this season is over. Yes, he will have some in the band, but he will also have many more outside of the band. And the band doesn't define who he is. His identity is in his Lord who fearfully and wonderfully created him. The Lord will continue to watch over him, grow him, and protect him. Josiah is, has always been, and will always be in the Lord's hands. And underneath him are God's everlasting arms (Deut. 33:27). Not to mention the fact that we are incredibly blessed that he doesn't have any health issues at this point. We're getting the band to try and correct his flat head, and nothing more serious than that, thankfully.

"... and as your days, so shall your strength be" (Deut. 33:25). This verse has ministered to me much as of late. I just have to keep speaking truth to myself... that as the Lord has planned each one of my days and Josiah's days, He will be faithful to provide the grace and strength needed for each of those days... each day that was planned sovereignly in His loving care... each day that was planned not for our convenience or ease or so we could be "normal," but because He loves us.

forgetting how big God is...

Just burning the midnight oil with my baby boy...  Loved this post.

hospital update

We weren't able to bring Josiah home from the hospital today.  =(  We are still waiting to hear from the monitoring company to schedule a time to be trained in how to use the home monitor and for the infant CPR training.  It has been aggravating to me that we can't bring my baby home because we're waiting to hear from the monitoring company regarding the training.  My sinful and angry heart has been veering out of control lately, being ever so forgetful of God's presence and sovereignty in my life and in Josiah's.  Bill (as usual) and a dear friend have been faithful to pray for me and remind me that Josiah will come home in the Lord's perfect timing, not according to the timetable of the monitoring company.  It has been good to be reminded that the Lord has been watching and in control over all of this and that nothing can happen that He does not allow or plan for my good.  This trial has definitely been stretching me in terms of faith, patience, humility, and trust.  It is so true that our thoughts are not His thoughts, neither are His ways our ways.  How quickly I forget that God does not answer to me... rather, I answer to Him for how I have walked out my life in faith.  Little faith is what I have, and I know the Lord is growing me in that... but how hard it is!  But again, Scripture is clear to remind me that He will not give me anything more than I can handle.  And whatever He calls me to walk through, He provides the necessary grace... even infinitely more than I need.  I am so grateful for my faithful husband and faithful friends who speak truth and care for me.

The great, encouraging news is that Josiah is now a whopping 6 lbs 1.3 oz!  We can't believe how much he has grown since going to the hospital.  I think he was 5 lbs 9 oz when he was first admitted.  So he's grown 8 oz in the last 3 days!  The docs wanted to see him gain at least an ounce a day, so he has more than surpassed that during his stay in the hospital.  What a blessing it is that he is such a little piggy!  They also were able to remove his IV since he's done with his antibiotics.  Yea!!!  So he's just being monitored now for his heart rate, respiratory rate, and pulse/ox.  And other than that, he's pretty much just eating, sleeping, and pooping at the hospital, which is what he'd be doing at home.  I guess this is kinda what it must feel like to have a 24-hour nanny.  You just go see your kid whenever you feel like it and then leave.  It's actually been a huge blessing to be able to catch up on some sleep, but we have been more than ready to bring Josiah home.  We all miss him dearly.  And we can't wait to have him home, even with the sleepless nights... and even with the annoying monitor.  =)  We are still so incredibly grateful that Josiah is healthy and well.  God is amazingly good.

back to the nicu...

I was going to give an update on how Josiah was doing at home, but unfortunately, we had to take him back to the hospital late Thursday night.  I've taken excerpts from an email Bill sent out to explain what happened...

At around 9:30 on Thursday evening, Josiah was sitting in his bouncy seat when he suddenly starting gagging and crying.  It was a frantic cry, and he began turning red and seemed like he was having a really difficult time breathing and/or choking.  Shortly after that he turned white and then finally blue in the face.  Bill took him into the bathroom and aspirated his nose and throat getting a lot of mucous and possibly formula and some darker color stuff out.  I can't thank God enough that Bill was there and had received a prompting to aspirate Josiah.  I was just panicking and had no clue what to do. All I kept thinking was, "What if we lose him?  What if we lose him?" and helplessly/frantically appealed to God for His mercies and intervention.  It was one of the most scariest moments of my life. 

I called 911 when Josiah started turning red, and once again, our local emergency crews were here within 5-10 minutes (praise God for them).  By the time they got here, Josiah was mostly back to normal color.  After they assessed him , despite his stable condition, the senior medic strongly recommended that we bring him in to the hospital to be evaluated by a physician.  He said they could bring him in the ambulance or we could just take him ourselves.  We decided to take him via ambulance.  The EMT that was in charge and who rode with Bill and Josiah turned out to be a great guy who had done mission work with a friend from our old care group in India with Yesu Paddem (sp?).  Great guy and very attentive to our needs and Josiah's care.  We were grateful to the Lord for sending him.

After evaluation, the attending pediatric ER doctor said they would like to admit Josiah to monitor his status overnight.  He brought in a neonatologist (who was GREAT), who said they would like to keep him for 24 hours to monitor him and see if they could pick up another one of these incidents (to see if they could find out the cause of it).  So back to the NICU went Josiah… They put in an IV and took some blood and samples.  The original findings were good.

Yesterday morning some labs came back irregular - nothing terrible, but his white blood cell count and another test (sorry, it was a long word and we can't remember it right now. :)  ) was not normal.  So they started him on an antibiotic.

They said there are 5 possible causes to something like this occurring:

1) Reflux
2) Central Apnea (periodic cessation of breathing)
3) Anemia
4) Infection
5) Seizure

Reflux is the most likely case.  They said they will PROBABLY release him with a home apnea monitor to keep an eye on him for a few weeks. They will treat him for an infection with the antibiotics to be safe (which will require at least a 48 hour stay in the NICU).  They also MAY do an EEG to try and rule out seizure because of family history.

So, please pray for our little man.  We want to get him back home safe and healthy.  God was very gracious to us in this whole situation by allowing this to happen while we were there watching him (and not asleep), and giving Bill prompting to aspirate him (despite what the 911 operator said, which was to 'do nothing') and give us such great medical care-givers -- the NICU doctor from Thursday morning especially (whom we met at around 2:30 am).  Funny enough this is the first NICU doctor we've actually talked to despite 12 days combined time of children in the NICU.  Now we've met two inside of a day.

As of today, Josiah is doing great and putting on lots of weight.  He now is 5 lbs 12 oz!  What a chub!  It is great seeing his little cheeks fatten up.  Hopefully the rest of his body will follow suit.  The remainder of his labwork has come back normal.  So they're basically waiting for him to finish taking his antibiotics, and they can remove his IV.  As for him being released, Bill and I will have to take an infant CPR class so we know how to help him better the next time something like this happens.  And the pulmonologist (lung/respiratory doc) wants us to do the home apnea monitoring for at least a few weeks to see if we can rule that out.  Bill and I will also have to receive training on how to use that as well.  So hopefully the CPR and home monitor training will happen on Monday so we can take our baby home.  But of course, it all depends on our insurance and which brand of monitoring system they want us to use and whether the hospital already has it or not.  The doc said Tuesday would be the latest if they don't have the right monitoring system available right away.

Please pray for my heart.  It has been a very difficult last 6 weeks.  And we are all feeling the effects of it.  I was very angry when they said they wanted to keep Josiah for 24 hours in the hospital.  I absolutely detest hospitals and just did not want my baby to have to go through all the testing and other things they'd have to do to him.  I just wanted to take him home.  But Bill has kindly reminded me (even though I don't receive it well) that they have to rule out all the possibilities to make sure he's really ok.  They would be negligent if they did not check everything out.  And fortunately, in God's kindness, they haven't had to do anything really invasive.  The worst he's gotten is an IV put in for the antibiotics, and there are certainly worse things that could be wrong with him.  Another friend had also made a passing comment that God has been faithful so far and will continue to be.  I was kinda like, "Huh?  God?  Oh, yeah...  That's so true.  I am such a dummy!"  In my self-centered world, I had forgotten about God and that He is intimately involved in all of this, especially that He loves Josiah even more than I do.  I need to take time to meditate on that more.

The upside to all of this is that it is so encouraging to see Josiah doing well in the hospital and putting on all that weight.  He actually seems happy, alert, and active there... much more so than he had been at home.  Maybe he did have an underlying infection of some kind that we didn't know about.  Bill pointed out that he just seems like a different baby.  And I didn't really think about it until he mentioned it.  He often seemed lethargic and listless at home, but in the hospital, he seems to be thriving, putting on a lot of weight, and just very animated and engaged. 

William has been having a hard time adjusting.  Just when it seemed things were getting back to normal again, Josiah is gone and Dada and/or Momma seem to be disappearing again.  (We've been going to the hospital to spend time with Josiah and do a couple feedings with him.)  Bill had been his only constant when I was in the hospital.  And I think it shakes him up a lot when Bill isn't there.  He is very attached to Bill right now.  So we've been trying to walk the line between forbearance and understanding that this is a hard time of transition for William with everything that's going on versus training/disciplining him and how to handle his meltdowns.  This is an area that we will definitely be seeking counsel on.

Bill has been doing a great job serving our family, especially under such constant stress.  But he is trying hard to balance work and care for William.  And though he loves the relationship that has grown between him and William, it is tough sometimes that William is so needy with him and prefers only Bill for everything.  Please pray for wisdom for Bill... that the Lord would provide insight and guidance on how to best lead our family and strength to do so. 

We appreciate all your prayers and keeping our family in your hearts.  We want to walk in faith for what the Lord has for us, but it's hard.  We trust though that despite the hardship, there is a reason for all of this and that it's for our good.  More than that, God is doing this because He loves us more than we will ever know, especially Josiah.

growing up...

Well, in spite of all the chaos around here, we finally got William's room together enough to have him start sleeping in it.  There are still some final touches I'd like to make to complete the look I want and to make it more inviting for him, but at least all the big stuff is in or finished.  The first night was a little rough...  William kept going back into his old room.  I think he was a little frightened since nothing was familiar to him in his new room.  But by God's grace, he adapted quickly and runs excitedly to his room for sleeping times.  And He now refers to his old room as "Baby's room."  =)  We are so grateful for his little heart and how he is able to adapt and make room for Josiah in our family.  Oddly enough, it was sad to see William moving on to another room.  It is a sign that he continues to grow up, no longer my baby anymore.  He is so much more a little boy now than he is a baby.  It is amazing to watch him talk and interact so much more than even before I had to go to the hospital.  I am still surprised and a bit dismayed whenever he takes my hand in his since they've gotten so big now.  Where did the time go?  And when did he grow up so fast?  He has truly matured physically, developmentally, emotionally, and spiritually over the last month.  And it's odd now thinking about him as being the older one or the big brother.  Until Josiah, he had always just been the baby, despite how old he got.  

It reminds me that from the first day we get them, we are preparing our children for the day they will leave us, hopefully to pursue the Lord more fully as they embark on life more independently.  This is just one of many steps for us as we prepare William.  And as much as I hate to think about it, every day I have with William and Josiah to train them, is a day of laying a foundation and a day of lived anticipation for that one day when they will leave, and ultimately that one day when they will meet their Savior face to face.  Oh, though how I sometimes wish I could hold time still and keep William, my little boy, a little boy a while longer.  But time plows forward, and I realize that's one of the reasons why Scripture tells us to number our days as they are so fleeting.  We can't stop time, but we can make the most of every opportunity we have with our children, to make it count for the Lord... to train them and redeem our time with them for an eternal weight of glory, for something that will last.

encouraging words

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

~ 1 Peter 5:10 ~

My dear husband wisely shared this verse with me, a reminder that after our suffering (that is only for a little while), there will be more grace. Grace that will restore us, confirm us, strengthen us, and establish us. I have found myself meditating on this often, remembering that the Lord will continue to be with us even after this specific trial of being in the hospital is over. What an encouragement to know that even in the days ahead, the Lord will be faithful to extend His grace to meet all our needs, whether it's healing from a c-section, caring for a toddler and a baby in the NICU, breastfeeding (yes, that's going to be a trial for me), or finding a new normal/routine for our changing family.