discipline of grace quote 2

From The Discipline of Grace, by Jerry Bridges...

It is so easy to consent to the primacy of love and yet so difficult to practice it.  Some years ago, in an effort to help me put "shoe leather" to the concept of love, I stated a couple of verses from the great love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, as action statements.  As you read over these action statements from verses 4 and 5, ask yourself how you are doing in your day-to-day practice of love (p. 38-39).

• I am patient with you because I love you and want to forgive you.

• I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.

• I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you and want you to have the best.

• I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.

• I am not proud becuase I love you and want to esteem you before myself.

• I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.

• I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.

• I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.

• I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you, and "love covers a multitude of sins."

discipline of grace quote 1

I have been reading The Discipline of Grace, by Jerry Bridges to help me grow in the knowledge of God's grace since I tend to be more aware and driven by performance.  I'm praying that it will help me grow in remembering the gospel of grace, rather than laboring by my own merits, which don't get me anywhere anyway.  =)

It is because we do not realize the utter depravity of the principle of sin that remains in us and stains everything we do, that we entertain any notion of earning God's blessings through our obedience.  And it is because we do not fully grasp the fact that Jesus paid the penalty for all our sins that we despair of God's blessing when we have failed to live up to even our own desires to live a life that is pleasing to God.   

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace.  And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace. 

Every day of our Christian experience should be a day of relating to God on the basis of His grace alone.  We are not only saved by grace, but we also live by grace every day.  This grace comes through Christ, "through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand" (Romans 5:2, emphasis added) (p. 18).

Because we are focusing on our performance, we forget the meaning of grace:  God's unmerited favor to those who deserve only His wrath.  Pharisee-type believers unconsciously think they have earned God's blessing through their behavior.  Guilt-laden believers are quite sure they have forfeited God's blessing through their lack of discipline or their disobedience.  Both have forgotten the meaning of grace because they have moved away from the gospel and have slipped into a performance relationship with God. 

Most of us probably entertain either of these attitudes on different days.  On a good day, as we perceive it, we tend toward self-righteous Pharisaism.  On a not-so-good day we allow ourselves to wallow in a sense of failure and guilt.  In fact, it may be more than not-so-good days - it may be weeks or months.  But whether it is weeks or days, the problem is the same.  We have moved away from the gospel of God's grace and have begun to try to relate to God directly on the basis of our performance rather than through Christ. 

God never intended that we relate to Him directly.  Our own performance is never good enough to be acceptable to Him.  The only way we can relate to God is through the blood and righteousness of Jesus Christ.  It is only the blood of Jesus that will cleanse us from a guilty conscience and give us the confidence to enter into the presence of God (Hebrews 10:19-20) (p. 22, emphasis mine).

heart of anger (book quote 10)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on manipulation...

To manipulate is to attempt to control.  For a Christian, manipulation is using unbiblical means of controlling or influencing another person.  More specifically, it is often an attempt to gain control of another individual or situation by inciting an emotional reaction rather than a biblical response from that individual.

[In the example of Mary and Martha...]  Martha wanted, perhaps too much, assistance with her food preparations and was frustrated that her sister left her to do all the serving by herself.  Rather than telling the Lord exactly what she wanted (help with the cooking), she attempted to play on His emotions (sympathy and perhaps guilt).  "Do you not care?"... she was attempting to motivate someone to fulfill her personal desires... without clearly stating them.  An appeal for sympathy, rightly expressed, is not necessarily wrong as long as the true desire behind such an appeal is also expressed (in this case Martha's desire for help) (p. 125).

heart of anger (book quote 9)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo...

To manipulate is to attempt to control.  For a Christian, manipulation is using unbiblical means of controlling or influencing another person.  More specifically, it is often an attempt to gain control of another individual or situation by inciting an emotional reaction rather than a biblical response from that individual (p. 125).

heart of anger (book quote 8)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo...

The best evidence that a Christian desires (loves) something more than he desires (loves) God, is his willingness to sin against God, either in order to acquire that desire or because he cannot acquire it.  "If ye love Me keep My commandments," Jesus said (John 14:15).  One of the most common sins that demonstrates the presence of inordinate desire is anger.  By having an angry child identify biblically the kind of sin that is associated with his anger, a parent can help him correct his anger not simply externally (i.e. temper tantrums, sarcasm, fighting, etc.) but internally (idolatry:  love of pleasure, love of money, love of praise, etc.) in his foolish heart, where the anger resides (p. 107, some emphases mine). 

heart of anger (book quote 7)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo...

The goal of all this training in righteousness is to develop within your child the ability and desire to bring captive every thought to the obedience of Christ (1 Cor. 10:5).  As your child learns to speak the truth in his heart (Psalm 15:2) as a matter of habit, he will gain more control over his spirit (Prov. 25:28, 16:32).  In Romans 12:2 Paul explains that a Christian is totally transformed by the renewing of his mind.  The process whereby this spiritual metamorphosis occurs takes place largely beneath the surface in the heart of each believer.  You have not done enough if you simply teach your child simply how to behave as a Christian.  Your responsibility as a Christian parent is to teach your child how to think and be motivated as a Christian, for only thereby can change in behavior be efficacious to the glory of God (p. 95, some emphases mine).

heart of anger (book quote 6)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo...

A four-step process to help parents teach their children how to identify and correct sinful expressions of anger (paraphrase):

Step 1.  Identify the circumstantial provocation of the anger
Question 1 - What happened that provoked me to anger?  (What circumstances led to my becoming angry?) is a diagnostic question whose purpose is to help your child understand what things lead to his/her becoming angry.

Step 2.  Describe the outward manifestations of the anger
Question 2 - What did I say and/or do when I became angry?  (How did I respond to the anger-provoking circumstances?) is to help your child recall the fullness of his/her angry response.  By specifying the details of an angry response, your child can see his words and actions in black and white.

Step 3.  Evaluate biblically the exact nature of the anger
Question 3 - What does the Bible say about what I said or did when I became angry?  (What is the biblical terminology for what I said or did when I became angry?) will help your child appreciate God's perspective regarding his angry response.

A problem cannot be solved biblically until it is diagnosed using biblical terminology.

Step 4.  Develop a biblical response to the circumstantial provocation
Question 4 - What should I have said/done when I became angry?  (How could I have responded biblically when I became angry?) is essential to the training of your child to respond to future provocations in a righteous manner.

This is perhaps the most important step in that it is the step where correction and disciplined training in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16) can most effectively be emphasized.  As your child sincerely considers various alternative biblical responses, he not only demonstrates repentance, but also prepares for future provocations (temptations) by exercising himself for the purpose of godliness (1 Tim. 4:7).

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From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on practicing biblical communication...

A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind (Prov. 18:2).

Confessing one's sin to an offended brother is not simply an option for a Christian (James 5:16, Matt. 5:21-26), it is a command that you must follow if restoration is to occur.  Use of biblical terminology is important in the identification of a transgression if the child is going to "put-off" the old man and "put on" the new (see Col. 3:8-10 and Eph. 4:22-25).  "What I said was disrespectful, unkind and scornful" for example.  This biblical confession will also help train the child to evaluate behavior from God's perspective rather than man's.  Which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual (thoughts) with spiritual (words) (1 Cor. 2:13) (p. 70, some emphasis mine).

heart of anger (book quote 4)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on discipline, training, and correcting...

The Gumnazo Principle [1 Tim. 4:7] maintains that you haven't disciplined a child properly until you have brought him to the point of repentance by requiring him to practice the biblical alternative to sinful behavior.  This would involve not just asking forgiveness for the disrespect, not just identifying the sin by name (two essential steps in biblical discipline); but also by responding with a respectful alternative to the disrespect using the appropriate words, tone of voice, and non-verbal communication.  

Imagine what it would be like trying to teach your son how to tie a double Windsor in his necktie or trying to teach your daughter how to make and roll out a pie crust without the Gumnazo Principle.  At some point, unless you have unlimited time and resources, you would have to stop the process of verbal instruction and show your child how to correct a mistake.  If the gumnazo principle is vital for teaching such relatively simple and temporal tasks, how much more is it necessary for teaching the application of eternal truth and the development of Christ-like character.

... biblical discipline involves correcting wrong behavior by practicing right behavior, with the right attitude, for the right reason, until the right behavior becomes habitual (p. 65-66, emphases mine).

heart of anger (book quote 3)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on the 3 parts of communication...

Words  If there is ever a time when a believer ought to premeditate what he is going to say, it is in those circumstances when he is most likely to become angry.  When a man is angry (or experiencing other intense emotions), he is at greatest risk of sinning with his words.  Children must be taught to choose their words carefully, especially when a problem exists that makes them angry [or provokes them to anger]: 

     "The heart of the righteous studies how to answer" (Prov. 15:28).

     "The heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds learning to his lips" (Prov. 16:23).

Tone of Voice

     "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Prov 15:1).

     "Sweetness of the lips increases persuasiveness" (Prov. 16:21).

It is not enough for us to choose the right words.  We must say the right words in a tone that is appropriate.  

Children probably provoke their parents to anger more quickly by being disrespectful than by any other behavior.  Yet, it is more often the tone of voice of the child rather than the words that communicates disrespect.  Disrespect, of course, is not the only attitude communicated by tone of voice.  For instance, rage, bitterness, vengeance, shame, fear and other attitudes that are often present along side of anger are often communicated by inflection (p. 56).  

Non-verbal Communication  [This] includes facial expressions (countenance), gestures, eye contact, posture, spatial relationship and touch (when appropriate) (p. 57).

Changing facial expressions is probably the most difficult aspect of communication to correct.  This is true largely because we are often unaware of what our countenance is doing at any moment...  Therefore we must rely on feedback from others to help us fine tune our non-verbal communication.  Consequently, children need their parents' feedback in learning how to express their thoughts in times of anger (p. 59).

heart of anger (book quote 2)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on scolding...  This brought much conviction because I struggle with this so much.

In his book, Hints on Child Training, first published in 1891, H. Clay Trumbull... explains...  "To 'scold' is to assail or revile with boisterous speech.  The word itself seems to have a primary meaning akin to that of barking or howling.

Scolding is always an expression of a bad spirit and of a loss of temper... the essence of the scolding is in the multiplication of hot words in expression of strong feelings that, while eminently natural, ought to be held in better control.

If a child has done wrong, a child needs talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words.  If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent's first duty is to gain entire self-control.  Until that control is secured, there is no use of the parent's trying to attempt any measure of child training.  The loss of self-control is for the time being an utter loss of power for the control of others.

In giving commands or in giving censure to a child, the fewer and the more calmly spoken words the better.  A child soon learns that scolding means less than quiet talking; and he even comes to find a certain satisfaction in waiting silently until the scolder has blown off the surplus feeling which vents itself in this way.  There are times, indeed, when words may be multiplied to advantage in explaining to a child the nature and consequences of his offense, and the reasons why he should do differently in the future; but such words should always be spoken in gentleness, and in self-controlled earnestness.  Scolding - rapidly spoken censure and protest, in the exhibit of strong feeling - is never in order as a means of training and directing a child" (p. 33-34, emphases mine).

heart of anger (book quote 1)

The new parenting book that I've started reading is The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo.  I am very eager to read this since this seems to be an area of sin that the boys struggle with, especially Josiah... and I also have that selfish hope that I can glean something helpful for myself since this is my big sin struggle, as well.

Priolo outlines a 5-step process in the development of rebellion in a child.  I thought it was very interesting...

A wounded spirit (or feeling hurt)  Proverbs 18:14 states, "A wounded spirit who can bear?"  The first step in this stairway to destruction often is a sense of hurt that is spawned by an offense, whether real or perceived.  Parents do something (usually involving sin, but not necessarily) to the child whose mental and emotional response produces hurt.  This hurt is the seed that germinates and grows into a root of bitterness (Heb. 12:15).

Bitterness is the second step on the stairway.  If the child does not respond biblically to the hurt (this would involve either forgiving the sin (Lk. 17:3), "overlooking" the sin (Prov. 19:11, 1 Pet. 4:8), or realizing that the "offense" was not wrong), he will begin to rehearse the offense in his mind, reviewing it over and over again.  This practice of continually reviewing and imputing the offense not only violates 1 Corinthiains 13:5 (love does not keep a running account of evil), but also cultivates the seed of hurt that matures into a "root of bitterness" (Heb. 12:15). Consequently, this root of bitterness may defile others in the family.

Anger is the third step.  This is the kind of anger about which the Bible warns fathers not to provoke their children.  Such anger is not simply a momentary explosion that quickly dies down.  Rather, it is characterological anger...  This is anger that has become so habitual that it becomes characteristic of the child's personality.  "Do not associate with a man (given) to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare for yourself" (Prov. 22:24, 25).  You as a parent, of course, cannot disassociate with your angry child, but this verse may serve as a reminder of just one of the biblical consequences which result from characterological anger...

Stubbornness (insubordination) is the fourth step.  "Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry" (1 Sam. 15:23).  This step immediately precedes full-blown rebellion.  The picture of stubbornness here is that of a backsliding heifer pushing her front hooves into the ground to counteract her master who is trying to push or pull her forward.  The self-sufficient rebel in the making is guilty of idolatry because he believes he has become the ruler of his own destiny.

Rebellion is the final step in the decline.  A rebellious child is a child whose characteristics have gone beyond that of an angry man and has assumed the characteristics of the proverbial fool (p. 21-22, emphases mine).

sinners say i do (book quote 10)

When I started reading this last chapter, I started balling b/c it's titled "When Sinners Say Goodbye." Don't like thinking about when it will be time to say goodbye to Bill, so I do my best to push away those thoughts. But they do always make me remember what a precious, precious gift from the Lord he is. Bill has been so instrumental in my life, constantly laying down his life for mine. I am truly a blessed woman. And as much as I don't like to think about that time when we will have to say goodbye, it does remind me to make the days we do have together count... to not take them for granted, as I am so prone to do.

So without further ado... from the last chapter of When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey, on the loss of a spouse... (Thank you, Lord, for helping me to finish another book!)

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison... (2 Corinthians 4:17)

The Greek word for "slight" in 2 Corinthians 4:17 means light in weight, easy to bear, without much substance. It's the same word Jesus used in Matthew 11:30 when he said, "My burden is light."

... the word "slight" is intentionally set in contrast to the "weight of glory beyond all comparison" that awaits us in heaven. "When Paul says his afflictions are light," writes John Piper, "he does not mean easy or painless. He means that compared to what is coming they are as nothing. Compared to the weight of glory coming, they are like feathers on the scale" (p. 178).

Just as "slight" is set off in 2 Corinthians against "weight of glory," "momentary" is set off against "eternal weight of glory." When measured by eternity, this mortal life is but a breath, a vapor, a suspended cloud that quickly dissipates in the slightest breeze. Whatever trial you are in, it will end, and one day you will see it for what it truly is: momentary and slight (p. 179, some emphases mine).

As real as our marriages are to us on this earth, they are just a shadow of the reality we will experience when Christ comes to claim his bride. Then we will have a wedding feast to celebrate our union with Christ that is unlike any feast that has ever been celebrated before. The entire family of Christ will be there - not one missing from the whole earth. The joy at that feast will not be marred by sin, struggle, pain, or disappointment. We will be forever with Christ in our new home. What glory is set before us as sinners who said, I do" (p. 183, emphases mine).

sinners say i do (book quote 9)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey...

Apart from the activity of grace, we are self-centered in everything we do (p. 159).

Very helpful how Harvey distinguishes between unbelief and bitterness...

Unbelief says, "I can't do this," while bitterness says, "I won't do this." Unbelief tells a spouse, "You can't change," and bitterness declares, "You won't change."... Unbelief leans away from God's promises; bitterness slams the door (p. 165).

sinners say i do (book quote 8)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey, on grace...

The grace of God did not simply appear; it brought along a job description. For the Christian, grace is here to teach us how to live in the unique, individual, moment-by-moment lives we all lead... Grace is a permanent fixture in the life of every Christian, a divine force constantly on the job, a 24/7 truth applier standing over all we do. Grace is the teacher-turned-coach that insists we run toward God (p. 140, emphases mine).

Our marriages play out in a historical waiting room between Jesus' first coming and his final return. Paul calls that waiting room "the present age."

Paul is keeping our hope where it ultimately belongs - in Christ. This life, friends, is not really about you and me at all. It's about God's glory expressed through us. In this waiting room, God promises sanctification, a pattern of God-glorifying overall spiritual growth brought about by the power of his persistent grace. But in this life he does not promise to subdue every sin, strengthen every weakness, create unbroken harmony in your marriage, or cure every ailment.

In the present age we cooperate with God's persistent sanctifying grace to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives. We understand that some sins, challenges, difficulties, and weaknesses may never be totally overcome, and that all change takes time. But because grace is so powerful, thorough, and comprehensive, even this waiting is for our good.

Waiting works things into our souls and our marriages that nothing else can... I often want change in my marriage to be immediate; I want change in my spouse to be immediate. I want it to be like hitting the delete key on my computer.

But God is not a Mr. Fixit spiritual handyman armed with duct tape and superglue. He is a patient craftsman who lavishes attention on the smallest detail. The creation of character that exhibits godliness and self-control is crafted slowly over time (p. 143-144, some emphases mine).

sinners say i do (book quote 7)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey, on confronting sin in your spouse...

The meek person also understands some key biblical principles of communication and applies them in marriage.

1) Being annoyed is not an invitation so speak, "The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult" (Proverbs 12:16).

2) A soft answer has more power than a wrathful tongue, "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1).

3) Gentle speech encourages life, whether in conversation or in conflict, "A gentle tongue is a tree of life" (Proverbs 15:4).

What is my agenda, my motivation, in bringing some sin to the attention of my spouse? Often these motivations are less than noble. Dumping anxieties, securing concessions, indulging fears, punishing the one who hurt us - these desires can drive us to speak too quickly and for the wrong reasons... the goal for a surgical conversation is not simply to smooth things over. It is to care for our soul mate and ultimately to connect him or her to God.

Your spouse's sin is not first about you. It may affect you, but the most important thing it reveals is your spouse's relationship with God. A meek spouse seeking to help the other will make that relationship with God the first priority. He or she will recognize that the ultimate hope for change lies in a response toward God, not a capitulation to the spouse. That's why the final stage of any correction must be encouraging our spouse toward God and entrusting our spouse to God (p. 131, emphases mine).

sinners say i do (book quote 6)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey, on forgiveness...

Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, "Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything." And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, "Pay what you owe." So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, "Have patience with me, and I will pay you." He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, "You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?" And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. (Matthew 18:23-35).

... forgiven sinners forgive sin (p. 100, emphasis mine).

When we use human standards of evaluation, we can begin to think our "run-of-the-mill" sins against our spouse (indifference, laziness, or unkind speech, for example) are on the level of a "100-denarii sin." And we could easily look at [adultery] as a "10,000-talent sin." This kind of thinking can lead us to assume that if our sin isn't as bad as someone else's (my spouse's, for example), my problem with God can't be as bad, either (p. 102).

... we do not truly grasp the good news of Jesus Christ in the gospel until we see that our sin against a holy God is a far greater injustice than anything that could be done to us. Our loving Father cares deeply about the severity of any sins committed against you. In his perfect holiness and omniscience he overlooks not a single sin. But in that same holiness and omniscience he also sees your every sin, no matter how great, no matter how small, and regardless of the circumstances which bring it to light (p. 103, emphasis mine).

You see, the status of the one sinned against is key, and the fact that all sin is against God locates every one of us in the 10,000-talent camp - a central point of this parable... The "size" of a sin is not ultimately determined by the sin itself, but by he one who is sinned against. Sin is infinitely wicked because it rejects the one who is infinitely holy and good. The more we recognize the perfection of God's holiness, the more obvious this truth becomes. For the sake of our marriages we must see ourselves in the shoes of the 10,000-talent debtor. The appreciation of a massive debt forgiven (our sin against a holy God) forms the base and starting point for our forgiveness of one another's much smaller (by comparison) offenses. Without understanding the depth of our sin against God and the riches of his forgiveness toward us, we will never be able to forgive others (p. 103-104, some emphases mine).

But true forgiveness sees another's sin for the evil that it is, addresses it, then absorbs the cost of that sin by the power of God's abundant grace. Such forgiveness sets the sinner free; the account of the sin is closed, cancelled, blotted out, just as we see in Matthew 18. Ken Sande says: "Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not just simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability that someone else deserves to pay. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of another person's sins and you release that person from liability to punishment. This is precisely what Christ accomplished on Calvary." There is nothing in us that would naturally choose the way of full, biblical forgiveness. It's just too hard, and adding to the challenge is the fact that the extension of true forgiveness can never guarantee we won't be wronged again. So why even consider it? Because forgiveness, full and free, is precisely what has been accomplished for us on Calvary. And the one who has been forgiven is now able to forgive others. Forgiven sinners forgive sin (p. 108, emphases mine).

... we, like Peter, need to see that forgiveness is not the stuff of the extraordinary saint. Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel and therefore is to be a defining characteristic of every believer (p. 110, emphases mine).

sinners say i do (book quote 5)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey...

But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:27-36)

What does this passage have to do with marriage?... Everything - because Christ is showing the comprehensive reach of mercy. By addressing grievous scenarios, he is setting the bar for normal life... because when you know how to deal with committed enemies, you'll know how to deal with occasional enemies. When you can extend mercy to the spiteful, violent, selfish, and wicked, you can extend it to those who annoy, ignore, or disappoint you... (p. 83).

One of the truly amazing things about God's mercy to us is that he sees every sinful action, motive, and thought we ever have, yet still relates to us in love. God loves sinners, simple as that, and certainly not because of the sin, but in spite of it. His love expresses itself in kindness toward sinners, and that kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4). The phrase "lead us to" tells us his loving-kindness meets us prior to repentance and draws us forward. What a lavish demonstration of mercy toward those who, left to themselves, would flee from God (p. 84)!

Self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority that appoints us as prosecutor of other people's sinfulness. We relate to others as if we are incapable of the sins they commit. Self-righteousness wages war against mercy... Have you ever dragged your spouse into the Courtroom of Me lately? I have. But here are some questions I've learned to ask myself in the battle with self-righteousness:

- Am I self-confident that I see the supposed "facts" clearly?

- Am I quick to assign motives when I feel I've been wronged?

- Do I find it easy to build a case against someone that makes me seem right and him or her seem wrong?

- Do I ask questions with built-in assumptions I believe will be proven right? Or do I ask impartial questions - the kind that genuinely seek new information regardless of its implications for my preferred outcome?

- Am I overly concerned about who is to blame for something?

- Am I able to dismiss questions like these as irrelevant?

To so many spouses, one more turning of the cheek or one more overlooked sin is just too much. Mercy has been tried and "it hasn't worked." Nothing has changed. In fact, mercy has been trampled on and abused; it just doesn't produce results... But we must go back and ask, "What is the purpose of mercy?" Do I extend mercy to get a response? Are results the point? Is mercy some spiritual coin with which I purchase my spouse's good behavior? In Luke 6, Jesus makes it clear that mercy does carry a promise. But it's a promise of reward, not of results (vs. 35). Jesus never promises to change our enemies (the extreme case that encompasses all cases). What he has in view for us is a loving relationship with our Father in heaven that will increasingly eclipse any hateful or hurtful actions against us (p. 93-94, emphases mine).

sinners say i do (book quote 4)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey...

The road of honesty is a straight road - it cuts straight through to our hearts. If you've ever driven out west on one of those long desert roads, one thing you'll notice is that the scenery all starts looking familiar. You realize that the road wasn't built for touring, it was built to get you where you need to go. The straight road of honesty has that feel. You drive down it and you see the same heart temptations you've always seen, the same ruts of thinking that get you sidetracked. Honesty forces us to deal with the familiar indwelling sin of our lives in a straightforward way. And the destination is always the same - the foot of the cross where our sin has been atoned for and where Christ, our wisdom, is ready to help in time of need (p. 70, emphasis mine).

This might be a helpful illustration for understanding the operation of remaining sin. Original sin filled the "engine" of our hearts with the "oil" of depravity - dark, greasy, and staining everything it touches. Circumstances come along and heat the engine. When the engine is hot - when events in our lives test our hearts by stirring anger, lust, greed, etc. - whatever is in the engine spews out. The heat (circumstances) did not fill the engine with oil, it simply revealed what was [already] in the engine (p. 70-71).

Have you ever considered why there are no accounts of Jesus slamming a door in angry frustration or inflicting the "silent treatment" on someone who hurt him? Why didn't Jesus get irritated or bitter or hostile? The simple but astounding answer is that when his engine was heated by circumstances, what was in his heart came out: love, mercy, compassion, kindness. Christ didn't respond sinfully to the circumstances in his life - even an undeserved, humiliating, torturous death - because the engine of his heart was pure. What was in his heart spilled over. It was love!

Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God. Selected by him, for you, from the beginning of the world, your spouse is an essential part of God's rescue mission for your life. Often a spouse plays his or her part by raising the engine temperature and heating the oil. But if we're wisely honest we will realize that God is behind it all, revealing the familiar sin so that it might be overcome by amazing grace (p. 71, emphases mine).

... according to Scripture, the source of angry words, unforgiving looks, and cold shoulders is not unmet needs. It's unsatisfied desires (p. 72, emphases mine).

... Scripture places the blame for conflict squarely on our passions - on how much I want something, regardless of how "legitimate" that desire is. If my desire is so strong that I am tempted to sin, then the problem is entirely me. It's my desire, my sin, the grimy oil in my own heart erupting in response to the heat of circumstances.

With a sentence or two, James masterfully shifts our entire paradigm from something we're missing (an unmet need) to something we're doing (passionately desiring something we're not getting). Lurking beneath our unmet needs are desires demanding satisfaction. We "desire but do not have" (p. 72-73).

sinners say i do (book quote 3)

From When Sinners Say "I Do," by Dave Harvey...

"For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do" (Galatians 5:17)... There it is. The sides in this war are not male versus female, husband versus wife, or controller versus enabler. It is a clash of desires - desires of the flesh against desires of the Spirit (p. 48, emphases mine).

The cause of our marriage battles, friends, is neither our marriage nor our spouse. It's the sin in our hearts - entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception (p. 51).

Sin is crafty. It is inherently deceitful... Sin presses us toward adopting a false perspective on our relationship with God... We depend on God for our very lives. He is our benevolent provider of all good things, our wise and loving Father who has our best interest at heart. But sin would have us see God as accountable to us for our wants. This makes God into some magical genie whose only job is to make right whatever is currently bugging us, or a moody, petty despot whose unwillingness or inability to meet our needs is the source of our problems... Although we have been blessed by God, sin would have us think of ourselves as victimized by God. That's how sin works now. That's how it worked "in the beginning" (p. 55, some emphases mine).

Friends, we must fight the battle with sin. If we don't it will overrun us. But here's a promise that makes all the difference: By the cross of Christ the battle has already been won!... We stand forgiven in God's court because of the atoning sacrifice of Christ - God no longer views us in relationship to our sin. And we are welcomed as righteous in God's house because of the imputed righteousness of Christ!... God sees you as more than a forgiven sinner. He sees you as a holy person. Even though the power of sin continues to operate within you, its reign has been broken and God no longer sees you in reference to it. Please understand this: No matter how intense your battle with sin may rage, you fight as a forgiven sinner. You fight on the side of God, and God always wins in the end (p. 57-58, some emphases mine)!