heart of anger (book quote 3)

From The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo, on the 3 parts of communication...

Words  If there is ever a time when a believer ought to premeditate what he is going to say, it is in those circumstances when he is most likely to become angry.  When a man is angry (or experiencing other intense emotions), he is at greatest risk of sinning with his words.  Children must be taught to choose their words carefully, especially when a problem exists that makes them angry [or provokes them to anger]: 

     "The heart of the righteous studies how to answer" (Prov. 15:28).

     "The heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds learning to his lips" (Prov. 16:23).

Tone of Voice

     "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Prov 15:1).

     "Sweetness of the lips increases persuasiveness" (Prov. 16:21).

It is not enough for us to choose the right words.  We must say the right words in a tone that is appropriate.  

Children probably provoke their parents to anger more quickly by being disrespectful than by any other behavior.  Yet, it is more often the tone of voice of the child rather than the words that communicates disrespect.  Disrespect, of course, is not the only attitude communicated by tone of voice.  For instance, rage, bitterness, vengeance, shame, fear and other attitudes that are often present along side of anger are often communicated by inflection (p. 56).  

Non-verbal Communication  [This] includes facial expressions (countenance), gestures, eye contact, posture, spatial relationship and touch (when appropriate) (p. 57).

Changing facial expressions is probably the most difficult aspect of communication to correct.  This is true largely because we are often unaware of what our countenance is doing at any moment...  Therefore we must rely on feedback from others to help us fine tune our non-verbal communication.  Consequently, children need their parents' feedback in learning how to express their thoughts in times of anger (p. 59).