baby update 15

Day 12 in the hospital... This update isn't about the baby so much as it is about me and how I've been processing through everything. I have certainly run through a gamut of emotions while being here in the hospital. There was definitely a time of many, many tears (of self-pity), followed by a time of much anger and frustration over our circumstances. I can't tell you how I have hated being here... constantly being pricked, poked, and prodded. (I have a great fear of needles... I have 5 holes in my arms from different IV sites and have had to have blood drawn several times. I know... I'm a wuss. Even as I'm writing this it doesn't seem so bad compared to what some others have to walk through. But I'll be the first to tell you that I don't suffer well, even with the smallest of things.)

As I have wrestled with the Lord, He has been slowly working in my heart, helping to reveal to me some of the good that has been coming out of this trial. I still cycle through all those emotions at times, and some days are harder than others... I just really and incredibly miss my husband and little boy. And while I long for the comforts of home and the "normalcy" of how life used to be, I have been convicted of how little I have thought about Josiah... that in my craving for comfort and ease, I have forgotten and neglected to think about how there is another little one that God has entrusted to us (and that we prayed for) to care for. Part of it may be the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, since I can't actually see or hold him yet, but the truth is... he is no less real than William.

As a wonderful friend reminded me, this is God's best for me and Josiah right now. The hospital is the best place I can be for my baby boy to be taken care of, and I am grateful to the Lord for the technology and medical ability to monitor Josiah so closely to be sure that he is faring as well as he can. And as Bill has faithfully and lovingly pointed out, the Lord is calling me to care for my unborn baby, as he is currently in great need, doing everything I can to ensure that he has every chance to be healthy and strong, even at a cost to myself. But isn't that what Christ did for me? At the cost of excruciating pain and suffering and ultimately his life, He went through so much more for my sake, that I could have life... and have it to the fullest. In my shame, I realized that this wretched sinner has much to be grateful for.

Therefore, if this is what the Lord has called me to, then there will be grace provided for everything else...
- As much as I miss Bill, the Lord will provide the grace and strength he needs to care for William, to care for me, to do extra things around the house, and to deal with things at work.
- As much as I miss William, the Lord will provide the grace for him to adjust even though he doesn't fully understand what is going on and why there are so many changes.
- There is grace (and God's kindness) in how people have rallied together to serve us in this difficult time through making meals, going grocery shopping, cleaning our home, helping with painting, running errands, coming to visit me or giving me a phone call, watching William to release Bill to work, calling Bill to check-up on him, etc.
- There is grace in how the Lord is using this to bring Bill and William closer. They definitely have a special bond now that wasn't there before. It is truly very heartwarming to see. And I'm sure this will help with the transition when the baby finally comes home. William will have his relationship with Bill to lean on.
- There is grace in the encouragements and prayers we have received. I am incredibly grateful for the constant reminders of truth and care.
- There is grace in that I am not walking through any physical suffering or pain. I pretty much have not felt any of the contractions that I'm having.
- There is grace in how far along we are in the pregnancy when everything happened. All the doctors say that it is so much better that we began walking through this at 34 weeks instead of say, 24 weeks. It is so close to the end of the pregnancy that the baby has had so much more time to develop and mature than if this had occurred earlier in the pregnancy. I would have had to go on bedrest earlier and the baby's development would have been much more affected early on.
- There is grace in how I am now looking forward to being home with both of my boys. I used to stress and get anxious about how I would care for 2 little ones, but now I am eagerly anticipating us all being together at home. I know it'll be hard, but it's the kind of hard that I would happily welcome and be thankful for.
- There is grace in how we are in the care of good doctors and nurses who are being ever watchful of Josiah's condition. The nurses especially have been so kind.

I am sure I am forgetting or not seeing many more evidences of grace. And I pray that the Lord would help me continue to see them so that I may cultivate a heart of gratefulness, instead of focusing on what I think I deserve. I know that this is something the Lord has ordained for us from before time. And if the Lord has sovereignly planned this, we know and can be assured that He is using this for our good and His glory. The Lord personally designed this trial to be good for us and the best for us. That is a truth that I need cling to... God is ordaining this for good.